A few months ago, I met a friend for lunch at a busy, nearby restaurant … remember that simple pre-pandemic luxury? Over the course of our conversation, she mentioned to me that she and her partner had been having serious conversations about what they wanted their future to look like. Her partner was currently finishing a degree and was still unsure of what he wanted to do afterwards. During one of their future-oriented conversations, she mentioned that her salary is more than enough to cover their expenses and as long as he made enough to cover his hobbies, they would be just fine. While he agreed and was relieved by that prospect, he admitted that he still felt a deep-seated pressure to be a “provider.”
A few years prior, another friend confided in me that she and her partner unintentionally fell into traditional gender roles. Her partner’s job came first and was the one providing the most income for the family — she followed him around the world for his career, finding work where she could. She also did the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning. Despite being a modern, feminist woman, she confided that this system of dividing labor worked very well for their relationship.
The thing that worked in both of these situations? Each couple was intentional in talking about the values and vision that drove their decision-making. That kept them from falling into ‘traditional’ patterns that may — or may not — have made each partner feel their needs were being met.
So, how do gender roles play out in your relationship? Here are some tips to help find a system that works best for you both — whether it fits with tradition or not:
Visualize the Life You Want: Start by considering what kind of life you want to create together. I realize that task can feel really big — so key in on your life, say, 5 or 10 years from now. What will it look like? Where will you live? Where will you be in your career? Will your family structure change with children or pets? Be as detailed as possible. There are no right answers — this vision belongs solely to you and your partner.
Tip: It’s easy to let external pressure creep into this conversation. You may feel a desire to live up to a parent’s expectation or example. You may feel the consumer-focused pressure that “more” is always better. That’s why I was so impressed during the conversation with the first friend I mentioned. They determined what was enough for them to create the fulfilling life they both desired and then they built the rest of their lives around that vision.
Sync Your Vision With Your Reality: Now that you know where you want to be, what does that mean for you both? Will you need two incomes to complete this vision? If children are in your plan, do either of you have the temperament, desire, and flexibility to stay home with them? Does your vision still allow each of you the ability to do what you are most passionate about, whether that’s work or hobbies? Keep in mind: the way you live out this vision may change over time, and that’s ok.
Tip: Often in relationships there’s one partner who’s more motivated by money and another who is not. Be sensitive to this distinction. The partner who’s more motivated by money may be willing to sacrifice some things in order to fund a more expensive lifestyle or put more away in savings. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing — just be careful you don’t create expectations of your less-money-motivated partner that they might be uncomfortable with.
Name Any External Pressures: While you may be happy with the life you’ve envisioned and your role in it, it’s possible that you’re still experiencing some sense that you need to “make more” or “make less” or “be the primary caretaker.” Remember, all that matters is that it fits with your vision and both partners consent. Instead of trying to rationalize these feelings or push them away, let your partner know what you are experiencing. Dig into the narrative behind it. Where are you getting this idea from? Is this something you really care about, or something others care about?
Tip: While everything may be fine when it’s just the two of you, it’s important to remember that things may be tougher when you’re hanging out with family or friends who have different expectations. Talk about how you want to approach these conversations before they arise and, most importantly, how you’ll present a united front.
Even It Out: Remember, the culture around gender roles extends beyond just who’s “bringing home the bacon” and who’s taking care of the kids. Research shows that even though women are working more (and earning more), many still carry more responsibilities at home. Design a system that allows your family to more evenly divide up responsibility for caring for both the inside and outside of the house.
Tip: It can be easy to wish your partner did more without giving them a chance to do so. When was the last time you asked them to take ownership of a certain task(s) and actually let them do it their way? How many times has your partner offered to join in and you rebuffed them? I’m the absolute worst at this. I’ve had to learn to ask for what I need and trust my partner when he says he will take care of something.
How have you seen gender role stereotypes play out in your relationship?