Honest confession: I’m someone who tends to jump to conclusions. An off-handed remark in an email? A cryptic text? An unidentified debit charge on my bank account? I quickly make up a story in my head, and it’s often not the right one. Throughout my life (and most particularly in my marriage) this quality has come back to bite me. I’ve blamed my partner for something he didn’t do. I’ve read something into a comment that was never there to begin with. While jumping to conclusions may feel like a smart, protective measure, it doesn’t tend to be all that helpful, especially in a relationship.
Over the last few years, I’ve been working on countering my natural urge to jump to conclusions by assuming good intent. It’s not an easy shift to make, but it’s served me well. Assuming my partner is just doing the best he can and putting the best construction on his actions is one extension of our deep trust in one another. It helps us to stay on the same team, even when things get rough. This has been especially helpful when we talk about money.
It’s important to note that in situations of domestic or financial abuse, assuming good intent is NOT the right course of action. But in everyday relationship interactions, I think it can be an incredibly helpful tool.
Here are a few things you can do to stop jumping to conclusions and really listen to your partner, particularly when a financial issue arises:
Take a Breath: Put some distance between you and your next move. Instead of “biting back” at something you feel is an attack, focus for a minute (if you can), just on breathing in and breathing out. Remember: Your partner is on your team. They are not trying to hurt you. Acknowledge any hurt feelings that are rising up and do your best to let them go until you know more about the situation.
Tip: Find the conversation is moving quickly? Ask your partner to push the pause button. Try saying something like this: “I want to pay close attention to what you’re saying. Give me a minute and I’ll be right with you.” It might make sense to tell your partner now that this is a strategy you might use when you feel unsettled so they aren’t caught off guard by your request.
Say a Mantra: Create a mantra that you can repeat to yourself when your buttons get pushed. A few examples: “Breathe and listen;” “We’re on the same team;” “Don’t jump to conclusions.” Repeat this mantra to yourself over and over to bring the calm you need to focus on the situation.
Tip: Not much of a mantra person? You might also bring to mind a fond memory of your partner. Visualize that memory as you take a breath so you’re more likely to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Just Listen: Often when we’re feeling wounded, our mind goes searching for its own narrative rather than paying close attention to what’s actually happening. After taking a quick breather and focusing on your mantra or memory, give all of your attention to your partner. Listen to the words they are saying. Resist the urge to read between the lines or make up an alternative narrative. If you still find yourself headed in a negative direction, go back to your breath and your mantra or memory.
Tip: We often struggle to give our partner the benefit of the doubt because we decide how a situation will end before it’s even begun. Or, we decide there must be some subtext to this conversation and read between the lines without really listening or asking any questions. Instead of going down either of these roads, choose to take what your partner says at face value, no interpretation required. This puts the onus on your partner to be honest and straightforward.
Ask a Clarifying Question: Instead of coming right out the gate with a statement, explanation, or defense, ask a clarifying question so you know exactly what your partner is saying. Try something like this: “I’m hearing you say ‘X.’ Is that correct?” Then, let them respond. Give them the chance to clarify anything that was unclear. If needed, follow up with another clarifying question.
Tip: It’s OK to let the conversation end right here. You’ve listened deeply and clarified what your partner is saying. If additional clarity or conversation is needed, go for it. However, if what your partner is saying is clear to you (whether you like it or not) and you trust their good intent, take what they have said and move forward. Resist the urge to over-explain your actions or defend yourself. Instead, try to act on what they have said to you.
As you move through this process, give yourself some grace — it takes time to unlearn bad habits. The more you practice, the better you will get at assuming good intent.