I’ve always been pretty careful about the way that I use my money — even when I was a kid. During my first few years of independent adulthood, I was living on such a tight budget that I had to know where each dollar was going or I would risk overdrafting my bank account. Now, don’t get me wrong: There’s a lot to be said about being meticulous with your money ... but as with anything in life, it can be taken too far.
It was when I began to combine my finances with my partner that I started to see how these well-intentioned frugal tendencies can do real damage. Even though we were doing just fine financially, I had to know where each and every dollar my husband spent was going and if it measured up to my beliefs of the right way to use our money. Similarly, I found myself checking my bank account multiple times a day, wrongfully worried that one unnecessary expense would put us over the edge financially. Even though our income had doubled, I often squandered hours of my time looking for ‘the best deal’ just to save a few dollars that we could have easily spent. Something needed to change.
Here are a few strategies I’ve used to let go of some of my control freak tendencies and live a more balanced financial life:
Understand where it's coming from: My own tendencies were magnified when I went through a period where additional control was necessary to stay afloat financially. Sometimes people who grew up living paycheck to paycheck exert control so that they don’t have to ever return to this lifestyle. Or, at the other end of the spectrum, people who grew up in wealthier households might exert control so they don’t lose any of the wealth they have. What might be the trigger for you?
Tip: While for many people this need for control is rooted in a specific financial experience, occasionally a more generalized anxiety that someone experiences in another area can spill over into their financial life. If this is the case for you, a counselor or mental/medical health professional might be able to help.
Identify how much control you actually need: What are the things you need to have control over and what you can let go of? I need to know my bank account balance every day, but not after each transaction. Likewise, I comparison shop and bargain hunt pretty intently for bigger purchases but try not to get too worked up if I don’t get the very best deal on smaller ones. I also have worked to let go of how much control I exerted over my partner’s spending and give him some financial independence.
Tip: If you haven’t already, this is a great time to invite your partner into the conversation. Test out with them the control you think you need and see if they agree. Also, check in to see what control your partner needs. Might there be ways for you both to share control of your finances so it’s not just one of you gripping the financial wheel?
Create a simple system to maintain that level of control: To keep my financial anxiety low and controlling tendencies at bay, I take advantage of my bank’s automated tools: I signed up to have my account balance texted to me each day, and to receive a text and/or email from my bank anytime our account fell under a certain amount, freeing up the need to constantly check our balance. I also limit myself to a quick weekly — not daily — review of our bank account to make sure there’s no fraud and to categorize our expenses in Mint.
Tip: Do your best to include your partner in this routine and set aside time during your monthly money dates to check in and see how this new routine is working for you both.
Experiment with letting go: Once you’ve defined what you need to have control over and how to maintain that control in a simple way, it’s time to let go of the rest. Make a list of all of the things you are going to stop doing. Share the list with your partner and invite them to hold you accountable. Commit to a two-week ‘test drive’ of this new routine before you assess how it’s going — it’ll probably take a while for you to relax into it.
Tip: If something isn’t working, it can be tempting to run back to your former controlling tendencies and coping mechanisms. Don’t do it! Instead, go back to steps one and two. Is there more control you actually need? Or, do you feel you need to control something because of a past situation you still haven’t let go of? It may take a few tweaks to get your system exactly right, but the extra effort will be well worth it.