Last year, my dad gave me one of my favorite Christmas gifts I’ve ever received: a box full of recipes and supplies to cook a decadent dinner for my husband and me to enjoy. It was carefully curated, with specialty dried pasta, summer sausage, crackers, and expensive chocolates — he even tucked in a few food and cooking items I would never buy for myself. It was so my dad: As a master chef and baker he always knows the best recipes and the finest ingredients to make them. But it was also so perfect for me as someone who enjoys spending time in the kitchen. I don’t need more things at this point in my life; I love experiences. And what could be better than spending time cooking a savory pasta dish on a cold, snowy night?
Still, gift giving as an adult can be tricky. When do you need to do it? Who do you need to do it for? Consider these thoughts:
1. It’s Ok to Say “No”: It’s important to know that you don’t always have to give a gift. It’s ok to not give trinkets to your co-workers for the holidays. It’s ok to only give gifts to the kids at Christmas. It’s even ok to not give a gift to your spouse for your anniversary — my husband and I have been doing that for years! If you decide to go this route, have a conversation with the people impacted (ok, maybe not your co-workers, but definitely your close friends and family). Explain why you’d prefer not to give gifts and suggest an alternative, like gathering together for a homemade meal or a toast around the fire.
Tip: I can hear you saying it, “But Grace what about wedding and baby showers? Isn’t a gift required?” Be creative – are there other gifts you could share that would be more meaningful? Could you bake a cake to share or come early to come help set up? Ask the guest of honor what he/she would appreciate most.
2. Play to Your Strengths: Can you bake a great dessert, create an art piece, or write an inspirational note? Think about what you could give that you’d feel really good about. Be creative — you don’t just have to give stuff.
Tip: Don’t overlook the gift of presence. Sometimes as adults what we appreciate most is concentrated (i.e., device-free) time with a loved one. Maybe instead of buying gifts for every family member this year, you can extend your travel plans so you can spend more one-on-one time with the people you love.
3. Consider the Receiver: With Black Friday just around the corner, it can be easy to get laser-focused on getting something for every person on your list. Before the holiday music begins ringing in your ears, take a moment to step back and consider what each person on your list would really want, so you don’t prioritize a good deal over a meaningful gift. It’s ok to not spend the same amount on everyone, as long as you give the receiver something they will value.
Tip: Stumped? Ask the receiver — or their partner — what they would appreciate most. While surprises are fun, sometimes it’s just nice to know that you got something they will use and enjoy.
4. Set Limits: It’s easy to get a little out of control when it comes to gift giving. Set appropriate limits months before the event and stick to them — no exceptions. Worried you’ll overdo it? Take out cash in the decided upon amount so you aren’t tempted to go overboard.
Tip: The sooner you can decide on your limits, the better. My husband and I set our gift giving budget (making sure to account for birthdays, weddings, showers, and the holidays) at the beginning of the year, and then we set aside money every month can save up for it all year. We also keep our giving fund replenished throughout the year so we can rely on it for unexpected opportunities that come up. Make this a goal for 2020 gift giving.
5. Talk to Your Spouse: With the crush of the holidays, it can be difficult to give your partner’s gift your full attention. Perhaps you’d rather give them something more meaningful at another time of year. If you haven’t already, take the opportunity to have an honest conversation: When will we exchange gifts, and which holidays will we observe but not give a gift? My husband and I enjoy exchanging gifts for our birthdays and Christmas, but on our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day we choose an activity to do together and give each other the gift of quality time.
Tip: If your spouse’s love language is receiving gifts, this may be tough for them. If you decide to go this route, make it clear that you intend to exchange gifts on some occasions, and make sure they’re all in with the idea.
6. Let Go of Reciprocity: When someone gives you a gift do you feel you have to return the favor? Let that impulse go. We’ve all received gifts given out of obligation, and they never feel good. Believe me, I’m a giver and I’ve had people do this many times. The thing is, I just like to give — no response needed or expected.
Tip: Instead of rushing to consider how you can pay the giver back, thank them in a meaningful way. Appreciate what you were given, use it well, and let any guilt go.
7. Use Your Privilege Wisely: It’s easy to get so swept away in the frenzy of the holiday season that we forget those who are not as fortunate as we are. It’s a privilege to be able to decide who to give gifts to and how much you’ll spend. Take the time during this holiday season to remember those in need. Consider reducing or forgoing gifts, giving instead to a family who doesn’t have as much as you do. In lieu of a gift, find charities to support that align with your loved one’s values. Purchase gifts from companies that do good for those in need and create quality products.
Tip: When we shop, we have the freedom to choose what businesses we will support. In our new downtown apartment, my husband and I are now surrounded by small boutique shops. We are doing our best to support these local businesses. While we can’t do all of our shopping there, we know the purchases we do make are an investment in their businesses and our neighborhood as a whole.
What tips do you have for navigating gift giving as an adult? Comment below!
This Thursday, Nov. 14, I’ll be sharing a short video on Facebook and IGTV with my ten favorite unconventional gift ideas to get your holiday list started.