Lately I feel like I’ve been stuck in a season of waiting. My husband and I have been dreaming of putting down roots in the Pacific Northwest since the first time we visited Oregon seven years ago. While we are just months away from making that goal a reality – we hope to buy a house sometime this summer – we are still in transition. In addition to waiting as we search for the right house, I spent the fall waiting to get an appointment with a doctor about a health concern I was dealing with, spent the winter waiting for medical tests, and am now spending the spring waiting to fully recover from surgery.
It’s not uncommon for couples to have an income gap between partners – in fact, it's the norm. According to data from Morning Consult and Insider, nearly three-quarters of Americans reported they had some income imbalance with their partner before they started dating. And while that imbalance can flip-flop as partners change jobs or receive a raise or bonus, at times it can be significant. This might happen when one partner retires, decides to go back to school, or opts to stay at home with the kids. This might also happen when one partner gets a big promotion or receives a large inheritance. How can you manage your finances so this imbalance in income doesn’t throw your relationship off balance? Consider these steps:
I’m a big fan of the Financial Feminist podcast. A few weeks ago the host, Tori Dunlap, shared a money hack that she had heard about from another financial educator on Science Finance: Before making an impulse purchase, ask yourself: “How many ‘taco dollars’ does it cost?” That particular financial educator really loved tacos, so he judged each purchase by asking, “How many tacos could I buy for the cost of that item?” Concert tickets: 20 tacos. Cupcake: 1 taco. Fancy hotel stay: 83 tacos. Then, he would ask himself: “Is it really worth that many tacos?”
My last post on things that can jumpstart your financial life in 5 minutes or less got me thinking about one of the most effective steps I ever took during our marriage: asking my husband an icebreaker question about our life together. That word icebreaker is key: these are questions designed to get conversation going, not shut it down. And that means the question has to be open-ended and asked with a spirit of genuine curiosity of learning what your partner thinks.
Long-time readers of this blog are familiar with the four money personalities I discuss: the giver, the saver, the spender, and the acquirer. Over time, though, I’ve learned that while people tend to understand the first three, they often stumble over the last one. On first blush, people generally thought the “acquirer” referred to someone who liked to accumulate or collect things. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The acquirer was someone focused on how money came into their life, not what was done with the money after it was received.
One of my favorite ways to be generous with my partner pre-COVID was to pick up his favorite treat on my walk home from work. I loved seeing the smile flash across his face, particularly after he’d had a tough day. The last fifteen months in quarantine, though, I pretty much stopped doing this. Between the heightened anxiety, our early fear that COVID might spread through surface contact, and the general exhaustion the news cycle produced, these once normal “extras” seemed to fade away. At a time when we each needed a more generous partner, it often was all we could do to just get through the day.
In mid-November each year Minnesota celebrates Give to the Max Day. For the past 10+ years thousands of Minnesota schools and nonprofits have gathered together to fundraise for their causes on the same day. There’s a real spirit of communal generosity that inspires giving — which I definitely support wholeheartedly.
Personal finance often feels like it’s just you, your partner, and your money journeying up the mountain to reach your financial goals. It’s easy to get laser-focused on your money, your dreams, your goals, your debt reduction. Now, don’t get me wrong, this laser-focus can be a great thing. It can ensure you’re not measuring yourself by any other yardstick but your own. However, it can also leave you blind to the needs of others.
One of the first things that struck me about my partner was his generosity. It started on our second date when he brought three cupcakes to my apartment — one for me, one for him, and one for my roommate. I mean seriously, who considers getting in with the roommate that early on? Throughout our relationship, my husband has been very generous with his money, his time, and his attention. In our marriage, I have seen it through his willingness to support my ambitious dreams even if that means spending nights alone, picking up the slack around the house, investing some of our shared income, or being the instigator in our social relationships.
Ever since I can remember, I loved giving money away. It started with the first $20 I earned from babysitting … I couldn’t wait to share some of what I’d made with my youth group charity fundraiser. As my income has grown, I’ve taken pleasure in giving larger gifts to organizations I care about and finding new causes to support.
Last year, my dad gave me one of my favorite Christmas gifts I’ve ever received: a box full of recipes and supplies to cook a decadent dinner for my husband and me to enjoy. It was carefully curated, with specialty dried pasta, summer sausage, crackers, and expensive chocolates — he even tucked in a few food and cooking items I would never buy for myself. It was so my dad: As a master chef and baker he always knows the best recipes and the finest ingredients to make them. But it was also so perfect for me as someone who enjoys spending time in the kitchen. I don’t need more things at this point in my life; I love experiences. And what could be better than spending time cooking a savory pasta dish on a cold, snowy night?
A few weeks ago, I was traveling for work. When I landed at the airport, I went to Enterprise to rent a car and was greeted by a woman about my age who gave me exceptional service. Even though the facility was small, crowded, and noisy, she spoke clearly, worked efficiently, and smiled effortlessly. I was out of there and into my rental car in no time. As I was leaving, she gave me her card and invited me to contact her manager if I had received good service. She mentioned that she was up for a promotion and that any feedback would be really helpful.
