One of my favorite ways to be generous with my partner pre-COVID was to pick up his favorite treat on my walk home from work. I loved seeing the smile flash across his face, particularly after he’d had a tough day. The last fifteen months in quarantine, though, I pretty much stopped doing this. Between the heightened anxiety, our early fear that COVID might spread through surface contact, and the general exhaustion the news cycle produced, these once normal “extras” seemed to fade away. At a time when we each needed a more generous partner, it often was all we could do to just get through the day.
Now that the world is opening up again and some of this anxiety has lessened, I’m eager to create a new normal that is more generous, more loving, more “extra” than ever before. That isn’t to say it will be more expensive; most of the suggestions below cost little to nothing at all. I just want to shower love on the person has encouraged me to rest when the news cycle was just too much, invited me to go for a walk when I became fearful of the outside world, reminded me of who I was when I felt lost amidst the chaos, and always had a silly YouTube video for me whenever I needed to laugh.
These are a few new ways I’ve been trying to be a more generous partner:
Invest in Your Partner’s Goals: During the pandemic, my partner decided to pursue career coaching. Even though on the surface it seemed to only benefit him, it was something we decided to invest in together. That gave me a stake in his success and made me appreciate even more his growth along the way. I’d like to believe my partner also appreciated not only the emotional but also the financial support. If your partner has an education, debt, or particular financial goal that relates just to them, might you choose to invest some of your joint — or even separately-held individual — money in your partner’s goal?
Tip: If you choose to make the investment, make sure it’s string-free. The investment is in your partner, more than in the goal itself. Trust them to use it in the best way possible.
Give the Benefit of the Doubt: In other words, assume your partner’s good intent — even (or especially) when they are frustrating you. I’m convinced this is one of the most generous things you can do in a relationship, and yet it’s also one of the hardest things, particularly in the heat of the moment. Practice “assuming good intent” so much that it becomes your natural default.
Tip: Wondering how to do this? Check out this blog post.
Encourage Your Partner’s Growth: The person you went on your first date with likely isn’t the same person you’re with today. That’s to be expected … people change over time! Intentionally cheer your partner on when they decide to try new activities, change jobs, switch hairstyles, or even shift their personality. You may find yourself feeling reticent or even resistant to these changes. Ask yourself, “Is this because it’s bad for my partner, or because I want things to stay the same?” Give yourself time to adjust to your partner’s growth and look for things you love about this new side of them. You may find there’s more to like than you initially thought.
Tip: As you, and your partner, change, you may find some old relationship habits no longer fit. Don’t be afraid to change those as well.
Be Patient with Your Partner’s Financial Anxiety: Creating a joint financial life with a partner who has financial anxiety can be a long and challenging process. Bear with it. One of the best things you can do for an anxious partner is take it slow, working a little at a time and giving them space when their anxiety flares up. Who knows ... you may even learn something in the process.
Tip: If you’re the anxious one, be generous with your partner by taking a small risk. For instance, you might choose one financial goal or habit you’re comfortable talking about and start a conversation about it. Or, you might reflect on ways your partner has helped you overcome some financial anxiety and thank them for those specific actions.
Listen to Your Partner: Don’t skip past this one because you think it’s too basic! We all need this reminder. When you’ve been with someone for a while, you begin to tune out more and more when they talk. Who wants to hear the same stories, thoughts, and opinions over and over again? But if your partner is saying something to you, it’s because they feel the need to say it — even if they’ve said it before. Listening to them shows you care.
Tip: No matter how long you’ve been together, you can never fully know someone. Keep it interesting by listening for a new detail you hadn’t caught before, or ask a clarifying question to gain deeper understanding.
Know the Right Way to Say “I Love You:” I’m often guilty of telling my husband I love him in the way I would want to hear it. My love language is “words of affirmation,” so I say it, I text it, I write it in cards. While I’m sure my husband appreciates these gestures, “words of affirmation” is actually pretty low on his love language list. As someone who values “quality time” and “acts of service,” he’d rather I show it than say it. I’ve often had to step back and ask myself, “How would he most like to receive my love?” because it’s not immediately intuitive to me even after nearly 10 years together.
Tip: Need some ideas to spark your creativity? Check out this post!