It’s not uncommon for couples to have an income gap between partners – in fact, it's the norm. According to data from Morning Consult and Insider, nearly three-quarters of Americans reported they had some income imbalance with their partner before they started dating. And while that imbalance can flip-flop as partners change jobs or receive a raise or bonus, at times it can be significant. This might happen when one partner retires, decides to go back to school, or opts to stay at home with the kids. This might also happen when one partner gets a big promotion or receives a large inheritance. How can you manage your finances so this imbalance in income doesn’t throw your relationship off balance? Consider these steps:
What’s yours, ours, and mine … really: Whether you are going down to one income or one of you has received a sudden influx of cash, it’s really important to talk about how that additional income will be divided. Will it be completely shared? Will some of it be shared and some will be set aside for the person who earned it? It may be easy to say, “we’ll share it all” only to later realize that the earner is weaponizing the income “they alone” earned. Take your time to figure out who it belongs to, really. If it’s truly shared income, then it needs to belong to you both equally as soon as it comes into your bank account.
Reconsider how you split expenses: If you keep most or all of your money separate, instead of 50/50 it may be better to divide your expenses 70/30, 80/20, or even 90/10 depending on how wide the income gap is. You could also divvy up individual expenses so one of you pays the mortgage and the other pays utilities. If most or all of your money is shared, you may want to think of the higher earner’s salary as paying the majority or all of the household bills, while the lower earner’s salary covers flexible expenses like travel or eating out. This model can work especially well if the second earner’s salary fluctuates from month to month. Bear in mind, if you are used to a dual-income household and one of the incomes has been drastically reduced, you will likely need to make significant changes to your lifestyle and budget. If you’re in this situation, check out these blog posts on how to rebuild your finances from the ground up and creating a spending plan for two.
Lean into your values: When there is a big income gap it can be easy for the higher earner’s values and goals to take priority and for the lower earner to feel like they just need to go along with it. Name what is important to you as a couple, as well as to each of you individually. Then take a look at how these values are currently reflected in the ways you each spend, save, give, and earn money. If you combine most of your money, this might be a good time to set up smaller separate accounts that give you each independence to support things you value. If your accounts are mainly separate, it might be a good time to pool some of your funds so you can support your shared values.
Do the emotional work: A big income gap can bring up a lot of feelings. The partner who is earning less may feel guilt or shame, particularly if they have to depend more on their partner to cover expenses. The partner who is earning more may also feel guilt as well as additional pressure to keep earning at a higher level in order to keep the family afloat. Take the time to sort through those feelings together so they don’t negatively impact your relationship. I often find it’s most helpful to go back to the “why:” Where did this income gap come from? Is it a result of a decision you made together or was it an unexpected emergency? Is it something temporary or something permanent? If you find these feelings growing bigger, it may be time to work through them with a mental health professional.
If at all possible, plan ahead: Some income gaps result from unexpected circumstances, like a layoff or a disabling accident. But many actions that lead to income gaps – like going back to school, becoming a stay-at-home parent, or starting a business – are ones you can prepare for. As you’re discerning this big life decision, be sure to also think through the financial aspects. Too often, I see couples make the mistake of trying to maintain the same lifestyle with less income. That’s just not possible! Deciding beforehand how you’ll adjust makes it easier when the pressure is on.
P.S. I’m having surgery next week so I will be off the blog for a few weeks. I look forward to sharing with you all again in late April or early May!