Ever since I can remember, I loved giving money away. It started with the first $20 I earned from babysitting … I couldn’t wait to share some of what I’d made with my youth group charity fundraiser. As my income has grown, I’ve taken pleasure in giving larger gifts to organizations I care about and finding new causes to support.
My husband is wired differently. He’d rather spend money on us or our family, or save for the future. Since meeting me, he’s seen firsthand how giving money away can have an impact on both the giver and the receiver. As we’ve grown closer as a couple, we’ve started to search together for ways to really support the causes we care about most. In the process, I’ve had to step back and reevaluate my own giving strategy, so it could become ours, not just mine.
I’ve discovered that our experience isn’t unique to us. Often partners differ in terms of how much they value giving, and how they like to practice it. Finding your giving strategy together as a couple is an important step in creating a fulfilling life together that reflects both of your values. These tips can get you started:
· Get to know your values as individuals and a couple: On one of our first money dates, my husband and I took this values assessment. We each identified our top 10 values separately and then shared them with one another. After that, we did a little comparison to see which were the same and which were different.
Tip: When you do this activity, be sure to share in order of priority and give a little explanation as to why each value is important to you. You may find you each use different words to represent the same concept. You may also find, say, that the #2 priority for you is #7 for your spouse. Even though the placement is different, it’s still a top priority for you both.
· Think about generosity more broadly: Ask your partner, “What does generosity look like to you?” For some people, it’s giving to the institutions they are connected with: their college, their church, the place where they volunteer. For others, it’s about supporting causes like a Kickstarter campaign for an up-and-coming artist, the GoFundMe page of a family in need, or a charity working to end world hunger. For still others, it’s person-to-person: keeping a few dollars in your wallet to share with those experiencing homelessness, bringing a meal to a coworker recovering from surgery, treating a friend for coffee when she’s having a bad day. There’s no right answer here — just enjoy getting to know your partner better.
Tip: For those for whom institutional giving is an important value, it can be sometimes be difficult to break the mold and consider these other forms of generosity as being just as meaningful. Give yourself space and time to experiment. Having a giving fund has helped me have fun with spontaneous generosity in a way that doesn’t negatively impact my budget.
· Decide how much you’d like to give away: Couples taking my money compatibility assessment are asked to estimate the percentage of their income they give away. Rarely are each person’s answers the same — even if they have shared financial accounts. You and your partner may be surprised when you tally up much you’re giving, as a couple and as individuals.
Tip: This is a good time to set some charitable goals for your family. What percentage of your income do you hope to give away? Is it the same, more, or less than you give now? How will you work toward that each year? If you’ve mostly been giving spontaneously, are there any causes you are willing to commit to by giving on a monthly basis? If you always plan your giving in advance, might you want make space in your budget so you can be generous in more creative ways?
· You don’t need to agree on everything: One key place my husband and I differ is in giving to the church. That’s very important to me, but it’s not a value he shares. We’ve agreed on a number that works for me and is still respectful to him. As I’ve sought to grow our giving, we are looking outside the church for other organizations that express our joint values.
Tip: If you find you want to give to causes individually, or one of you would like to give away more money and the other person wants to use money for different purposes, this is a great opportunity for “yours, mine, and ours” funds.
This Thursday, Dec.12, I’ll be going live on Facebook at 8pm Central to share a few questions I think you should ask any place you want to support before making a donation. Haven’t liked my Facebook page yet? Now is a great time to do it. Only have Instagram? Don’t worry — I’ll be posting the recording to IGTV later.
If you haven’t already, now is a great time to join my Date Night Club. This month, we’ll taking a look back at 2019 and setting some clear, financial goals for 2020. Through Date Night Club, you can transform your relationship and deepen your intimacy by having open and honest conversations about money. You’ll leave the table with a clearer sense of where you are today, where you’re going, and how you’ll get there. This makes a great holiday gift for a partner! Give the gift of financial clarity and connection for just $9.99/month.