Guilt, shame, and regret are powerful feelings. They can color how we see ourselves, perhaps permanently, and paralyze us into inaction.
Here’s an example: A college freshman is tempted by a table in the quad: Sign up for a credit card, get a free t-shirt. What could go wrong? Except using that card without a plan and paying off just the minimum amount each month adds up to a huge balance. Once graduation day came, the “free” t-shirt is long gone, but they’ll be carrying that load of debt — and the shame of making that mistake — for a long time.
Here’s another: A new employee chooses not to contribute to their employer retirement plan. “Retirement is light years away,” they think. When they do finally get around to thinking about their retirement plan (in mid- to late-career), they realize they made a big mistake. They throw up their hands and say “I’ll never retire” instead of getting the expert help they need to create a plan to fix it.
Can you relate to either of these scenarios? Then you understand the power of negative emotions that can come with less-than-ideal choices around money. But take heart: these negative emotions don’t have to define you forever.
How do you get past guilt related to financial mistakes?
Tell the Full Story: Especially if the guilt-triggering incident is from a long time ago, often the only thing we remember is the mistake we made — not why we made it in the first place. Challenge yourself to dig back in and remember the details leading up to, after, and around the situation itself. It could be that you were making the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. Even if you wouldn’t make the same decision again, remember your initial intention.
Tip: Depending on the experience, it’s possible that diving into your story could trigger trauma. If this happens, pause what you’re doing, use a tool for managing traumatic stress, and seek help from a mental health professional.
Remember the Other Actors at Play: Often our mistakes don’t just belong to us. Think about the mythical college freshman with the credit card: This person was preyed on by a company who wanted to get them into debt without giving them the appropriate education about how the system works. Consider who (or what) may have influenced your decision — not to let yourself off the hook, but to see the whole picture.
Tip: It can be easy to swing too far away from the guilt and begin blaming everyone else but you. Instead, use this step to own your actions and decisions while also acknowledging those of others.
Focus on What You Learned, Not What You Did: As painful as it may be to dig into the past, I want you to remember what this situation taught you. That way, every time your subconscious mind gets stuck in a pattern of guilt, you can acknowledge your mistake and take pride in what you learned. Maybe it’s that credit card debt is a slippery slope; maybe it’s that you need to use cash when you shop so you don’t overspend; maybe it’s that you need to start earlier than you think to save for a large goal. List out as many learnings as you can think of, even if they are small.
Tip: Take a look at that list of learnings and turn them into strengths. What gifts and perspectives do you bring to your relationship because you made this mistake?
Disconnect the Story from Your Identity: Too often people decide they are “bad with money” or a “poor money manager” based on one mistake they made years ago. But everyone makes financial mistakes — that’s just part of life and the learning process. So what are some money moves, large or small, that you’ve made that you are proud of? Name and claim them … don’t let your mistakes define you!
Tip: Instead of seeking to be a person with a perfect financial record, seek to be someone who is learning and growing in their relationship with money. Every time you find yourself thinking you are a money “failure,” remind yourself of all of the ways that you have grown. Sometimes it helps to have a mantra or a story that you can tell back to yourself to replace these negative thoughts. Take the time to write it out and memorize it so it’s ready to go when you need it.
Make a Plan to Move Forward: What actions will you take to get past your money mistake? Will you stop accruing credit card debt and begin paying it down? Will you tackle your student loan debt — getting to know how much you owe, the interest rate, and your repayment options — so you can finally make a plan to pay it off? Will you begin tracking your spending and make a budget that actually gives you room to spend on the things you care about without ruining the rest of your financial plan? The best way to put the nail in the coffin of your financial guilt is to make a plan for moving forward that you can actually stick to.
Tip: Once you have your plan, tell a few people about it and ask them to hold you accountable, especially if you end up falling into bad patterns again.
This month’s Date Night Club tackles facing financial mistakes (and the guilt that comes with them) head on. Haven’t joined Date Night Club yet? It’ll help you take the stress out of money conversations through an icebreaker question, an activity that you can complete in 15 minutes or less addressing this month’s topic, a quick budget check-in, and a way to apply what you’ve learned to your life with money. Join today!