Let’s be real: Our culture doesn’t encourage talking about money. Whether that’s ethnic culture, family culture, or the culture of consumerism in America, there are a lot of people who believe finances are personal (read: private), and should be kept that way. While there may be some good reasons for this, I think it’s also a bit of a cop-out. It gives us permission to say this conventional wisdom is beyond our control, when in fact we are all part of creating, shaping, and maintaining cultural norms.
The only way this belief will change is if we, individually and collectively, begin being brave enough to go against cultural norms and have these conversations. The good news is the tide is already beginning to turn. Millennials are more open to talking about money than their Baby Boomer parents. They are not only talking about money with their partners, they are also talking about it with their friends, siblings, and coworkers. They are more comfortable talking about money with their own parents, than their parents often are about talking about money with them.
Still, we have a long way to go to reset these norms. So let’s unpack it: Why is talking about money so stinkin’ hard?
Cluelessness: Many of us don’t have good role models for how to have a healthy conversation about money. We often look to our parents or other trusted, older adults in our life for hints of how to do this, but as you can see from the data in the linked article above, that’s rare. Without good examples to follow, or safe spaces to practice, it’s easier to shy away from the conversation than step forward and give it a try.
Tip: In my Date Night Club I talk a lot about how to have healthy money conversations with your partner and I model it in the dates I create. You can use these same tips to have a money conversation with anyone. Starting with an icebreaker and easing into the conversation helps to release any tension and focus the conversation.
Drama: Whether we like to admit it or not, talking about money (especially personal finances) can be very emotional. It requires vulnerability to open up our financial life to another person — to admit mistakes, share our dreams, and discern what we most value. Talking about money is way more about feelings than it is about spreadsheets and numbers. Maybe that’s the part that scares us the most?
Tip: You don’t need to dive right into the deep end of the money conversation pool. Instead, I encourage you to slowly wade into the shallow end. Begin by talking about things that are less emotionally charged, like what you envision for retirement (particularly if it’s a long ways off), what you would do if you received an unexpected check for $1,000, or your favorite childhood memory involving money.
Individualism: One of the root ideas in this country is that every person should be self-sufficient. Ever hear of the phrase, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps?” If we make a mistake, we assume it’s all our fault and it’s our job to fix it ourselves. Similarly, if we succeed, we assume it’s all due to our own talents and efforts. We need to normalize asking for help and admitting mistakes, particularly in the area of finances. This is the only way we can learn from our mistakes and let go of the shame that’s holding us back.
Tip: There are many forces beyond our control that influence our individual financial success or failure. That’s why we also need to talk about privilege. Not sure where to start? Take a look at these four myths about the racial wealth divide.
Denial: Maybe if we don’t talk about money, it will stop being a problem, right? Or, maybe if we just made enough money that we never had to worry about it we’d never have to talk about it? The truth is, no matter how much or how little money we have, it’s an important tool that needs to be used with intention. Talking about money helps us learn more about ourselves and our finances as well as holds us accountable for our choices in how we use it.
Tip: Wish you didn’t have to talk about money? Get to know what’s behind that feeling so you can move past it. Check out my limiting money beliefs blog article for some ideas to get you started.
Entrenchment: I see this a lot with couples who have not only different systems for handling their money, but different philosophies on what it’s there for. These different approaches to money are gifts; each has strengths and growth areas. The conversation across differences can be vibrant, but it is likely to come to a grinding halt if you believe your way is the only right one.
Tip: Find yourself in this position? Take a step back and have a conversation with your partner about what strengths you both bring to your relationship with money. I like to call this finding your financial superpower(s) as a couple.
Gravity: I don’t mean the scientific concept; I’m talking about the belief that money is no laughing matter. But conversations about money don’t have to be grim, depressing, or super serious. They can actually be light, uplifting, and fun! Often, this attitude develops by only talking about money when there’s a problem. Break this pattern by making regular check-ins on your finances part of your pattern. Setting aside time for monthly money dates will help you do this.
Tip: After I received some feedback about this from some of my initial Date Night Club members, I decided to make my Date Night Club dates even more fun. Each 15 minute-or-less date includes a fun activity (like a Cosmo-style quiz) to get you smiling, laughing, and talking to each other about money in a casual, stress-free way.