Six years ago yesterday my husband and I got married on an unseasonably warm fall day. We had a Sunday morning wedding, complete with bloody marys, paper flowers, a brunch buffet, and even some mid-day dancing. I got to walk down a spiral staircase in my gorgeous silk dress to find the love of my life waiting for me under a trellis of flowers. I don’t think the day could have been any more perfect.
The interesting thing about a morning wedding is that everything is done by 4pm. As we were planning the wedding, I thought this would be a blessing. No late night, no need for an open bar, no worries about waking up for the honeymoon flight the next day. In some ways, it was relaxing, but in other ways it felt a bit anticlimactic. Once we got home, we weren’t sure what to do. We ended up opening gifts, watching a movie, and getting takeout. I remember waiting in line to pick up our burritos at Chipotle and thinking, “This is the most important day of my life and no one here knows it.”
While it felt a bit odd at the time, I think the juxtaposition of an elegant wedding and a casual night was a good preview of what marriage has been like for us over the last six years. I’ve learned that marriage is a mix of magical moments, mundane moments, and, if I’m being honest, some frustrating and disappointing moments as well.
Here are some common myths about marriage that I believed on my wedding day but have discovered over the last six years to be simply not true:
“Your wedding day should be the best day of your life:” My wedding day was absolutely magnificent ... I wouldn’t change a thing. However, it was one of many wonderful days in my marriage. I’d hate to think that after my wedding day everything was “downhill from here.” That’s certainly not been the case: We have had other wonderful days as we explored the streets of Paris and hiked on the beach in Oregon. I also think some of the best days in our marriage have been ones tinged with darkness: The times we had to really focus on listening to and supporting one another, whether that was after my husband’s car accident or living through the grief of losing a friend. I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to my spouse than in those moments.
“The more beautiful the wedding, the more beautiful the marriage:” Just because you have the most picture-perfect wedding, doesn’t mean your marriage will be perfect. And, just because your wedding had a few hiccups, doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed to fail. I’ve seen plenty of beautiful weddings that have ended in divorce and plenty of simple ceremonies that have blossomed into some of the most loving relationships imaginable.
“The best marriage moments are captured on social media:” While I certainly agree that social media offers the “highlight reel” of a person’s life and relationships, I don’t think the sweetest moments are featured there. The best moments are ones where you are so busy “being in the moment” that you completely forget about the camera. Some of my favorites with my husband: a 3-hour date at The Melting Pot, pillow talk about our deepest hopes and dreams, and dancing in the kitchen while doing dishes.
“Of course we’ll live ‘happily ever after’:” I realize now that very few of the movies I watched as a child portray actual married couples. (Thanks, Disney.) The climax was usually the marriage, and then it was just “happily ever after.” A sweet sentiment ... but seriously: A good marriage doesn’t just happen! Plans change, and people do too. As a result of his car accident, my husband’s personality, ambitions, and even his style have changed a lot. While I’m a big fan of many of these changes, the fact remains that he is different than the person I married. And the truth is, I’m not the same either. The challenge is to continue being honest about who you are while also bringing your partner along for the ride. This means finding ways to grow and change together, being willing to modify parts of your relationship when things are no longer working, and keeping the transparent communication going.
“Our love will make it easy for ‘two to become one’:” Getting married is about tying two lives together, complete with all of the baggage that each of you brings along. My husband and I — both very independent people — have had to learn that “becoming one” sometimes means letting go of our individual ways of doing things. This was especially true in our lives with money. We each had our own money systems, habits, and beliefs before we combined our finances shortly after our wedding. For so long, I thought I could impose my “seemingly perfect” financial system on my husband and handle all of “our” money myself. However, a few years in, I realized I had created a system that reflected me — my goals, my values, my money habits — but not him. And in so doing, I’d succeeded in making him more financially anxious and disconnected from our finances than ever. Our monthly money dates not only saved our financial lives but also saved our marriage from falling into the trap of money issues tearing us apart.
What other marriage myths have you encountered? Let me know below!