At a recent Love & Money Brunch, I invited participants to break into groups by their money personalities. Interestingly, most couples were split, each with a spender and a saver. As we discussed the strengths and blind spots of each money personality, there were plenty of playful jabs being tossed from one side to another: “At least I know how to find a good value on a coat rather than wearing one with holes in it.” “Well, someone in the family has to think about our future.” All was said in a kind-hearted way, but there was definitely an undercurrent of tension.
Find yourself in a spender/saver relationship? These steps can help you better understand one another. The goal is to harness the strengths of both personalities so you can work with — not against — each other.
· Get Clear on the Why: No two spenders or savers are alike. Take some time on your own to consider your motivation behind your natural inclination. What brings you joy about spending/saving? Is there an underlying fear that motivates your spending/saving? Is there a story that encapsulates well why spending/saving is so important to you? Then, exchange this information with your partner. As your partner shares, suspend your assumptions and key in on their “why.”
Tip: Most often your money personality is shaped in childhood, so don’t be surprised if memories from your family of origin bubble up. I’ve often found that a person’s money personality either solves a problem experienced in childhood or mirrors a good parental habit.
· Find the Common Ground: As someone who is naturally more of a saver, it was interesting to hear at the event how the spenders framed themselves: “We like to shop because we enjoy the pursuit of a good deal at a good value.” These spenders were concerned about saving money as they spent. Similarly, savers were looking for ways to protect themselves today so they could continue spending money at their current level in the future.
Tip: Use this common ground to help present opportunities to one another. Spenders, as you’re outlining a new purchase to your partner, focus on how it might actually save money over the long-term. Savers, as you’re framing up a savings goal, focus on how this might allow your partner to spend money in the future. As you do this, be authentic. Don’t try to manufacture common ground just to get your partner on board.
· Resist Playing “Good Cop, Bad Cop”: Because we are steeped in our own money personalities, we tend to see ourselves as the natural “Good Cop” in conflict situations. It’s easy for our partner to become the “Bad Cop” who’s reminding us of pragmatic savings goals and making us feel bad for spending, or sharing tempting spending opportunities that get in the way of our savings goals. Worse still, if you begin to see yourself through your partner’s eyes, you might feel like the “Bad Cop” because you aren’t giving them their way. It’s easy to see how this can spark a fight.
Tip: Anytime you feel this role play creeping up, take a breath and a step back. Ask your partner, “Why is this opportunity you brought up so important to you? What timeline did you have in mind? What’s giving you pause about the idea I shared?” Be genuinely curious. Their answer may surprise you! Make this a moment to come together rather than compromise. Find emotions are running high? Push “pause” on the conversation and come back to it later.
· Unearth the Ultimate Goal: Look, the spender’s goal isn’t to buy everything in the world and the saver’s goal isn’t to hoard all their money. Get to the core of what you each are striving towards. What does a fulfilling savings account or spending life look like? I asked this question to a spender/saver couple recently. The saver said, “I just want to feel secure.” I said, “Tell me what security looks like for you.” She thought about it for a minute and said, “I want to have $2,000 saved up for emergencies, set up a savings fund for our trips, and get our retirement savings on track.” When I asked the spender, she said, “I want to be able to occasionally go into a store and buy a shirt that isn’t on sale.” Both of these answers are goals this couple can strive toward.
Tip: Once you’ve both named your goals, don’t let them just sit out in the ether. Begin making a plan to achieve them — by working side by side.
· Find Your Balance: One of the gifts of the spender/saver relationship is the potential to make sure you are covered for both today and tomorrow. During your money date nights, give each other a role. Spender, identify ways you can make the most of your finances right now. Saver, keep an eye on ways you can prepare for your future. You need a balance of both.
Tip: There will be times when one money personality will have to take the lead. Resist the urge to steamroll your partner. Give each other space to make the best possible case, and then make a decision together.
Need to get the money conversation started with your spouse? In response to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, I’m offering free access to my favorite money dates from my Date Night Club. I hope these casual, insightful, and even fun series of questions and activities can help you and your partner get on the same page about where you are and where you want to be. I guarantee you it will be an hour well-spent. This month, we’ll focus on spender/saver relationships. I’ll lead you through an activity that helps you meet the above goals and find a way forward together.