A few weeks ago I presented an online workshop on love and money. During the Q&A, it was clear that many of the couples attending were struggling to create a spending plan that they could both agree to. Often, one partner felt the other’s spending was getting in the way of meeting their other financial goals, and the other partner felt hemmed in by their partner’s restrictions on spending. It wasn’t working for either partner – or for their joint financial life.
I immediately understood what they were going through. Early in our marriage, my husband and I struggled with the same issue. I had lived very frugally before I met my husband and assumed we would continue to live that way together. Whenever my husband spent money in a way I wouldn’t have spent myself, I was quick to criticize him. I was afraid that what I perceived to be “careless spending” would get in the way of our ambitious financial goals. Many arguments were sparked when I started questioning expenses on my husband’s credit card statement.
Through our monthly money dates, my husband and I created a system that gives us each freedom to pursue our individual financial goals while also staying on track for our joint goals.
This week, I want to help you design a spending plan that work for both of you – particularly if you currently hold most or all of your money jointly:
Shift Your Mindset: This is a step you both will need to take. Yes, both of you, not just the spender. If you’re the person who leans toward saving or giving, you may need to learn that not all spending is bad. Spending can bring joy, as well as be a way to live out your values (i.e. supporting local restaurants or businesses or buying eco-friendly products). If you’re the spender, you may need to shift your mindset from focusing solely on making the most of life today to making tomorrow’s goals a reality while also taking advantage of life’s pleasures.
Tip: You’ll each have different things you value when it comes to spending, saving, and giving. Something that brings you joy (like an occasional latte on the way to work or buying flowers for a friend in need) may be something your partner sees as frivolous or unnecessary, and vice versa. That’s normal. Instead of rushing to judgment, ask questions. Learn why your partner values and enjoys using their money in these ways. You may not decide to follow their spending patterns, but you’ll have greater respect for your partner.
Clarify Your Joint Goals: Sometimes my husband and I presume we’re on the same page about joint goals and expenses, but we’re really not. This was definitely the case early on in our marriage. I assumed we both wanted to give away a specific percentage of our income, build up our emergency fund, pay off student debt, and save up for travel – which was true! – but we never sat down together to figure out how much these goals actually cost, where they would fit into our budget, and the order of priority in our financial life. Once we got on the same page, our issues with daily spending lessened because we were both moving in the same direction. He knew where he needed to rein it in and I had a better sense of how much reining was really necessary – which was much less than I originally thought.
Tip: Having this conversation for the first time? Begin by visualizing the future. Where would you like to be in 5 years? Work on your own separate visions before you begin to knit them together. Ask clarifying questions so you really understand the “why” behind your partner’s “what.” Once you get clear on your joint vision you can begin to draw out, prioritize, and make a plan for specific goals.
Create Your Plan: Instead of quibbling about individual expenses you disagree on, start by rebuilding your spending plan from the ground up. Begin with your necessary joint expenses, then add in the specific goals you previously discussed. What amount is left over? How might you best use it? In addition to any joint discretionary spending, consider giving each other some financial independence by earmarking a specific amount for each of you to spend on your own without the other’s prying eye. You might put this money into a separate account so it’s clear how much is available and that the funds are limited.
Tip: If you find that you really do have vastly different approaches to spending, you might hold most of your money separately, with each of you contributing a percentage toward joint expenses and goals. Use the suggestions in this blog post to help you craft your plan.
Hold Each Other Accountable: The plan is only helpful if you are both committed to following it. Check in with your plan during your monthly money date. What’s working? What’s not? Do some expenses or discretionary funds need adjustment? Continue to mold your plan until it is something that works for you both.
Tip: If your partner buys something that isn’t in the plan, resist the urge to nitpick on the purchase itself, especially if it’s a purchase you don’t agree with. Instead, focus on the amount of money spent and the ways in which it might affect your other goals. This puts the focus back on your mutual dreams, not judgment of your partner’s spending choices.