Lately I feel like I’ve been stuck in a season of waiting. My husband and I have been dreaming of putting down roots in the Pacific Northwest since the first time we visited Oregon seven years ago. While we are just months away from making that goal a reality – we hope to buy a house sometime this summer – we are still in transition. In addition to waiting as we search for the right house, I spent the fall waiting to get an appointment with a doctor about a health concern I was dealing with, spent the winter waiting for medical tests, and am now spending the spring waiting to fully recover from surgery.
It’s not uncommon for couples to have an income gap between partners – in fact, it's the norm. According to data from Morning Consult and Insider, nearly three-quarters of Americans reported they had some income imbalance with their partner before they started dating. And while that imbalance can flip-flop as partners change jobs or receive a raise or bonus, at times it can be significant. This might happen when one partner retires, decides to go back to school, or opts to stay at home with the kids. This might also happen when one partner gets a big promotion or receives a large inheritance. How can you manage your finances so this imbalance in income doesn’t throw your relationship off balance? Consider these steps:
I’m a big fan of the Financial Feminist podcast. A few weeks ago the host, Tori Dunlap, shared a money hack that she had heard about from another financial educator on Science Finance: Before making an impulse purchase, ask yourself: “How many ‘taco dollars’ does it cost?” That particular financial educator really loved tacos, so he judged each purchase by asking, “How many tacos could I buy for the cost of that item?” Concert tickets: 20 tacos. Cupcake: 1 taco. Fancy hotel stay: 83 tacos. Then, he would ask himself: “Is it really worth that many tacos?”
My last post on things that can jumpstart your financial life in 5 minutes or less got me thinking about one of the most effective steps I ever took during our marriage: asking my husband an icebreaker question about our life together. That word icebreaker is key: these are questions designed to get conversation going, not shut it down. And that means the question has to be open-ended and asked with a spirit of genuine curiosity of learning what your partner thinks.
Long-time readers of this blog are familiar with the four money personalities I discuss: the giver, the saver, the spender, and the acquirer. Over time, though, I’ve learned that while people tend to understand the first three, they often stumble over the last one. On first blush, people generally thought the “acquirer” referred to someone who liked to accumulate or collect things. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The acquirer was someone focused on how money came into their life, not what was done with the money after it was received.
My last post on things that can jumpstart your financial life in 5 minutes or less got me thinking about one of the most effective steps I ever took during our marriage: asking my husband an icebreaker question about our life together. That word icebreaker is key: these are questions designed to get conversation going, not shut it down. And that means the question has to be open-ended and asked with a spirit of genuine curiosity of learning what your partner thinks.
One question that has been coming up more frequently lately in my conversations with couples about money is: “Is it ok to have just one partner handling our finances?” Dig a little deeper, and often the more money-savvy partner will say something like, “I know you would advise us otherwise, but it’s just easier with me handling our finances, since my partner doesn’t really want to be involved in our financial life.”
Ten years ago, if you had told me that there was a financial privilege (not just a societal privilege) to being part of a straight couple, I wouldn’t have believed you. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it’s true. I assumed once same-gender marriage was legalized in the United States, gay, lesbian, and other LGBTQ+ couples would share the same rights and financial privileges as I experienced.
A few weeks ago, I shared a blog article designed for readers whose partners are extravagant spenders, and now it’s time for us to turn the tables. Today’s article is designed for those readers out there who feel like their partners are stingy savers. Often their question sounds like this: I’d like to use our money to invest in the present and it feels like all my partner can think about is the future. I’m so glad they are focused on our family’s security, but I keep wondering when we can ease up the saving and focus on today. When is “enough” enough?
Six years ago, my husband and I did something that has transformed our relationship. I remember clearly the struggle we were experiencing in our marriage at that time: Small disagreements over the credit card bill would turn into fights. I felt like my husband didn’t care about our (read: my) financial goals, and my husband felt like he had no say in our financial life. It seemed like money was going to tear us apart.
As you might know from reading my blog, my husband is naturally more of a spender than I am. Maybe that’s why I hear from so many people wondering how they should deal with their partner’s free-wheeling approach to buying things. Often their question sounds like this: It seems like every time we finally get our financial life back on track I see another extravagant purchase on our credit card and I can feel our financial goals slipping away. Help! How can I stop the spending and get us back on track?
I married someone who is an exceptionally good gift giver. Every year I’m astonished not only by his creativity but by the way he remembers someone’s off-handed mention of something they had wanted months before. It shouldn’t be surprising that he’s so good at gift-giving, since his mom is the very best gift giver I’ve ever met. She spends all year putting together large and small gifts for each person for Christmas. She not only gets you things you want but things you never even thought to ask for.
On this day ten years ago, I was preparing for my first date with an art student I had met online, Tyler. We were headed to a pasta bar located on the University of Minnesota campus known for its delicious food, live music, and funky, artistic flair. I agonized over my outfit. I really liked this guy but wondered if I was really “cool enough” to date an artist. I settled on jeans, a nice shirt, and my sparkly Toms: classy and casual with a little bit of artistic flair — just like the restaurant.
Have you ever wished you could get inside another couple’s relationship? I certainly have! We all know the pictures we see on Instagram and interactions we observe at dinner parties just scratch the surface of how a couple functions together. For most of us, the only couples we’ve really seen up close are from our family of origin: parents/guardians, aunts/uncles, maybe grandparents — which is why we often end up slipping into those same patterns.
Over the summer I’ve been watching the show Grace & Frankie on Netflix. Like many sitcoms (and, let’s be honest, in real life), there’s a lot of conflict centered around money. For instance, in one episode, one of the characters is offered a promotion which will include a large raise and require a move to a new city a few hours away. Instead of taking the time to discuss the possibility with her partner, she says “yes” without consulting him. See any red flags here?
One of the first things that struck me about my partner was his generosity. It started on our second date when he brought three cupcakes to my apartment — one for me, one for him, and one for my roommate. I mean seriously, who considers getting in with the roommate that early on? Throughout our relationship, my husband has been very generous with his money, his time, and his attention. In our marriage, I have seen it through his willingness to support my ambitious dreams even if that means spending nights alone, picking up the slack around the house, investing some of our shared income, or being the instigator in our social relationships.
When I speak about money and relationships, I’ve noticed most of the questions I receive from people are about their partner, not themselves. While the questions are generally politely cloaked, it’s clear behind almost all of them is the sentiment, “My partner is the problem. If we can just fix them, our finances will be back on track.”
A few weeks ago I presented an online workshop on love and money. During the Q&A, it was clear that many of the couples attending were struggling to create a spending plan that they could both agree to. Often, one partner felt the other’s spending was getting in the way of meeting their other financial goals, and the other partner felt hemmed in by their partner’s restrictions on spending. It wasn’t working for either partner – or for their joint financial life.
Couples I meet who keep most of their finances separate are usually reluctant to admit it. It’s as if they feel it’s a relationship red flag that they don’t pool all of their money together. I’m not sure why joined finances is still seen as the only solution for married couples. As I’ve said many times before on this blog, I’ve met happy couples who have completely joined finances, happy couples who have separate finances, and happy couples who do a hybrid of both.
A few weeks ago, I was in a financial conversation with a married person who reluctantly admitted that he and his partner have chosen to keep separate bank accounts. It was clear in the way he spoke that he felt he and his wife were doing something wrong -- as if keeping their money separate would ruin their marriage, even though it was a system they had found to work really well for them.
