A few weeks ago, I shared a blog article designed for readers whose partners are extravagant spenders, and now it’s time for us to turn the tables. Today’s article is designed for those readers out there who feel like their partners are stingy savers. Often their question sounds like this: I’d like to use our money to invest in the present and it feels like all my partner can think about is the future. I’m so glad they are focused on our family’s security, but I keep wondering when we can ease up the saving and focus on today. When is “enough” enough?
So, here’s my advice. You’ll notice some of the advice is similar to the article from two weeks ago, and that’s intentional:
Suspend Your Judgment: Often, the partner who is less oriented toward savings may react with thoughts like, “My partner doesn’t know how to enjoy themselves,” “My partner is so focused on the needs of our family, they can’t see the needs of others,” or “My partner is so negative, they can only think about the worst case scenario.” But that narrative will only stall the process of getting on the same page. Instead, remember that compassion is the only way to your end destination. Take the time you need to mentally reframe your perspective by taking some deep breaths and assuming a position of genuine curiosity. If you go about this conversation the right way, you’ll not only learn something about your partner but you’ll likely learn something about yourself in the process.
Reset The Tone: If you’ve had conversations about money that haven’t gone so well in the past, it’s likely your partner is already going to be on the defensive. Choose your timing well — it should be when you both are feeling relaxed and at your best. Approach the discussion as a fact-finding mission, not an interrogation. Ask your partner why saving is so important to them. Remember, your goal isn’t to get them to start spending wildly or even stop saving; it’s to have a non-loaded conversation. For instance, you might say, “One of the things I appreciate most about you is your focus on our family’s future. I’m so glad you are making sure our family is secure. What made you decide to focus on saving?”
Seek Genuine Understanding: Whatever the driving force behind their saving, I can almost guarantee your partner’s answer is not, “I don’t care about having fun or being generous.” Dig deeper to understand what motivates them. Here are three possible roots, along with possible next steps:
Important financial goals: If your partner has some key savings milestones they are working hard to achieve — like paying off all of their student loan debt, building an emergency fund with 6 months of expenses, or putting away as much money as they can in the hopes of retiring early — they may feel that they can’t let loose to spend a bit or be more generous to others. Use this opportunity to make sure you’re on the same page about your joint (and individual) financial goals. Also, you might work to find a middle ground. Pursuing big financial goals is great, but giving up everything you love to make them happen will only lead to burnout. Adding a little balance in the process will help to ensure long-term success, which will be important to your saver partner.
Echoes from the past: Sometimes savers are motivated by fear, and often this fear is grounded in lived experience. Their family might have struggled financially when they were growing up; a close family member might have lost all of their money during a market crash; a friend may have been left destitute because their partner died too soon. These are painful memories that need to be handled with care. Take the time to listen deeply to their stories, knowing that it’s possible your partner may need a professional counselor to help them heal from the primary or secondary trauma they have experienced. This is also a good time to talk about your present situation by asking questions like: What does it look like for you both to feel prepared? How much is enough? What things can you reasonably prepare for and what might you need to let go of? What insurances or other funds can you have in place to help besides immediate savings?
Minimalist lifestyle: Your partner may have a different vision of a fulfilling life than you do. They may be whole-heartedly content never going on vacation, never eating out, or sticking to low-cost hobbies. The worst thing you can do in this case is shame them for living a “small life” or make them feel bad about the way they are wired. However, just because they like this lifestyle, that doesn’t mean you have to. This might be the perfect time for each of you to share your visions of what a fulfilling life looks like. How might you each create space for that vision in your budget? Might having yours, mine, and ours money be more helpful? Instead of inviting your partner into a different life, help them understand why this additional spending and/or giving matters to you and then make a plan for it.
As the academic year winds down (and my grading and school transition schedule ramps up), I’m going to take a sabbatical from blog writing. I hope to be back writing in mid to late May.