As you might know from reading my blog, my husband is naturally more of a spender than I am. Maybe that’s why I hear from so many people wondering how they should deal with their partner’s free-wheeling approach to buying things. Often their question sounds like this: It seems like every time we finally get our financial life back on track I see another extravagant purchase on our credit card and I can feel our financial goals slipping away. Help! How can I stop the spending and get us back on track?
So, here’s my advice: (And, I promise I’m not piling on spenders! In two weeks I’ll address the other side of the equation … when your savings-minded partner won’t part with a dime)
Suspend Your Judgment: Often, the partner who is less oriented toward spending may react with thoughts like, “My partner is an impulse purchaser,” “My partner is terrible with money,” or “My partner thinks money grows on trees.” But that narrative will only stall the process of getting on the same page. Instead, remember that compassion is the only way to your end destination. Take the time you need to mentally reframe your perspective by taking some deep breaths and assuming a position of genuine curiosity.
Reset The Tone: If you’ve had conversations about spending that haven’t gone so well in the past, it’s likely your partner is already going to be on the defensive. Choose your timing well — it should be when you both are feeling relaxed and at your best. Approach the discussion as a fact-finding mission, not an interrogation. Ask your partner what about the purchase brought them joy or filled a need? Remember, your goal isn’t to get them to return the item or even stop the spending; it’s to have a non-loaded conversation. For instance, you might say, “I was looking through our credit card statement as I was paying the bill and I noticed you recently bought something at [retailer]. What excited you about that purchase?”
Seek Genuine Understanding: Whatever the driving force behind their spending, I can almost guarantee your partner’s answer is not, “I want to get in the way of our financial goals.” Dig deeper to understand what motivates them. Here are three possible roots, along with possible next steps:
Valued purchase: Let’s say your partner wanted to invest in something they care about, even though there wasn’t space for this in your budget. Is there space for these types of purchases? Might there be changes you can make to include it? This could be a good opportunity to look at the budget together and make sure it’s a fit for you both. You might also want to agree that you will check in with one another if a purchase is going to exceed a set amount (for example, anything over $100).
Need for financial independence: It’s possible your partner may feel that money they earned isn’t theirs to control, particularly if they’re less involved in the day-to-day household bills and expenses. They may appreciate having a set amount (which may even be in a separate account) to spend as they wish. Let them know you value their input, as well as their hobbies and interests. Then, discuss what might give them a sense of autonomy.
Disconnect from joint financial goals: This can happen because you didn’t create and agree on the goals together … or, your partner doesn’t think you did. This can also happen because the partner doesn’t see the connection between this particular purchase and how it can get in the way of your joint goals. If that’s the case, I encourage you to establish a regular money date to review your budget, check-in on your goals, make adjustments if needed, and celebrate your progress together.
It may be that even the most productive, honest conversation doesn’t get you on the same page about spending habits. If your financial mindsets are that disconnected, it might make more sense to keep most of your finances separate and just come together for shared expenses. If that’s something you and your partner are considering, these steps can help you stay connected even if you keep your accounts apart.