Six years ago, my husband and I did something that has transformed our relationship. I remember clearly the struggle we were experiencing in our marriage at that time: Small disagreements over the credit card bill would turn into fights. I felt like my husband didn’t care about our (read: my) financial goals, and my husband felt like he had no say in our financial life. It seemed like money was going to tear us apart.
I didn’t think something as simple as investing an hour a month to connect about finances could make any difference. It seemed too easy! But we committed to giving it a try. Over the past six years, our monthly money brunch has made a deep and abiding difference in our marriage as a whole. We’ve learned communication skills that have extended into other areas of our marriage, discovered new things about each other, and experienced the joy of seeing some of our biggest money dreams come to life.
In celebration of our six years of money dates, here are six tangible ways that money dates have transformed our relationship:
We have a deeper respect and appreciation for each other’s differences. Like so many couples early on in marriage, we found it easy to lean into our similarities and tried our best to ignore those qualities that didn’t line up so neatly. However, our disconnect in the area of finances only exacerbated those differences. By the time we came to the table at our first “budget breakfast” I think we both had pretty little respect or tolerance for our different money personalities. But our conversations have helped us see that our differences are actually gifts to our relationship. Yes, it means sometimes decisions take longer. Yes, it means we sometimes have to listen closely, release our egos, and change our minds. And, yes, it sometimes means we disagree. However, learning how to respect and appreciate our differences in our approach to money has helped us become more curious about (and even grateful for) our differences in other areas of our lives as well.
We have a clearer vision of who we want to be as a couple. This has been a game changer for us. We don’t just look at the numbers; we dream about our future and make decisions based on our values. In some ways, it’s likely a monthly summit that allows us to focus on our plans for the future where money is just one of the things we talk about.
We have realized it takes work to be a duet — not just two soloists that happen to be performing at the same time. As two introverts who know how to keep ourselves occupied, it can be pretty easy for us to live separate lives even in the close proximity of our small apartment. During our move in 2019, we stopped doing our monthly money dates and started to get more and more disconnected. In the midst of this big life transition, our visions for our lives were diverging in unhelpful ways. It took us months to repair the damage and get on the same page again. Our money dates have reminded us how much we can accomplish when we work together. Especially during seasons where we are pretty focused on our own work and hobbies, having scheduled quality time together reminds us of how much we enjoy being together. We both agree this time needs to be a priority, no matter how busy we are.
We have learned the importance of timing. I’m not a very patient person. If I spot an issue, my tendency is to tackle it right away. My husband is wired differently. Trying to force the conversation early on left us both frustrated. We found setting a focused, scheduled time each month to talk about money helped us both be more prepared to enter the conversation. Going out to eat (when possible) gives us something to look forward to. Doing it on a Saturday morning ensures we’re rested and relaxed. Being intentional about when and how we introduce the conversation is a skill we’ve brought to communicating about other issues or concerns that arise.
We have rebuilt our trust in each other. As I look back, a lack of trust was at the root of almost every issue that arose. I didn’t trust that he cared about our financial goals as much as I did. He didn’t trust that I wasn’t trying to take away his independence. Regular, honest, mutual conversation about money has reestablished this foundation, and this level of trust in one area of our relationship has served as a springboard to help us build trust in other ways as well.
We have learned how to turn our dreams into reality. One of the first things that drew us together as a couple is that we are both big dreamers. We have a long list of places to visit, and clear ideas about what’s on our bucket list. Our money brunch gave us a place to set goals, track our progress, and celebrate milestones. Working together to make those dreams take root, grow, and finally blossom into reality gave us confidence and courage. It also gave us the space to encourage and support each other’s individual dreams as well.
Want to try a money date for yourself but aren’t sure where to start? Check out some of my favorite money date templates for free.