When I speak about money and relationships, I’ve noticed most of the questions I receive from people are about their partner, not themselves. While the questions are generally politely cloaked, it’s clear behind almost all of them is the sentiment, “My partner is the problem. If we can just fix them, our finances will be back on track.”
While very occasionally relationship money issues are caused by just one partner, for the most part they are caused by two people, with two different personalities, playing tug-of-war with finances rather than working together to meet joint financial goals. Being aware of our own (and our partner’s) preferences, strengths, and growth areas can make us better partners to one another.
This week, I challenge you to forget about your partner for a minute and focus on your own relationship with money. Take some time to reflect on these questions, and encourage your partner to do the same. Write out your answers, or take these questions with you on a long walk. Don’t rush! You may learn something new about yourself as you explore:
What’s your money personality: spender, saver, giver, or acquirer?
Who is your money role model? What did you learn about money from them?
What financial goals do you hope to achieve over the course of your lifetime?
What financial lifestyle are you trying to achieve and/or maintain?
What’s one way you enjoy using your money that others might think is unnecessary or frivolous?
What parts of your current financial life bring you joy? What parts of your current financial life bring you anxiety?
What’s one money lesson you had to learn the hard way?
If you could handle your finances just your way, how would you handle them?
Once you’re satisfied with your responses, share your answers with each other. Try not to compare; focus only on listening and learning. It might help to visualize yourself talking to a friend who is unconnected to your financial life.
Then, after taking the time to really listen to one another, consider the following questions together:
What’s something new you learned about yourself from this activity?
What’s something new you learned about your partner from this activity?
Instead of trying to change your partner (or yourself), how can you better lean into each other’s strengths? In what ways might your strengths fill in each other’s growth areas?
As you listened to what you each shared, what similarities did you hear?
As you listened to what you each shared, where do you differ? Were the differences in goals, personality, and/or the way you handle your money?
How might you organize your financial life so you each have the freedom you need to express those differences while also coming together on the things you share?