One question that has been coming up more frequently lately in my conversations with couples about money is: “Is it ok to have just one partner handling our finances?” Dig a little deeper, and often the more money-savvy partner will say something like, “I know you would advise us otherwise, but it’s just easier with me handling our finances, since my partner doesn’t really want to be involved in our financial life.”
Every couple is different so I would be hesitant to say what is right or wrong. Instead, here are some of the things I would invite couples in this situation to consider. (NOTE: Most of these questions are directed at the financially involved partner since that is who is more likely to be reading this post.)
Are there any areas of your financial life where your partner is involved? Think beyond the day-to-day financial management. What about goal setting, choosing your investment strategy, giving money away, or negotiating bills? These things are just as important.
Tip: Even the seemingly smallest areas are part of your financial life, so note those too. Your partner may be the one who handles the tips while traveling, enjoys comparison shopping for a new appliance, or takes the kids to buy school supplies.
Are there any areas of your financial life your partner has expressed interest in being more involved in? Often found even the most financially anxious or disengaged partner has something they have strong feelings about. Perhaps it’s the big picture, not the day-to-day minutia of bills and budgets. Or, it could be something more specific, like saving up for your child’s education or renegotiating the interest rate on your mortgage.
Tip: How you frame the question matters. If you ask, “Do you want to be involved in handling our family’s finances?” they are very likely to say “no,” particularly if they are financially anxious or disengaged. Bring forth some specific tangible examples of things they might be interested in, like planning for your next big family vacation or sketching out your joint vision of retirement.
Where would you like for your partner to be more involved? We all have pieces of managing our family’s finances that we’d rather not deal with. For me, researching and looking for deals on larger purchases gives me decision fatigue. My husband, as someone with a spender/saver combination money personality, is the perfect fit for this task, and best of all, he really enjoys it! Once we realized this was his superpower we had him lean into this for our whole family, not just himself, which has also built his overall financial confidence and engagement.
Tip: You may have specific tasks that neither of you enjoy. That doesn’t mean those should all fall to your plate. Take the time to make sure those tasks are divided up equally between the two of you if at all possible.
What’s holding your partner back from being more involved? These are the four most common reasons I hear:
Financial anxiety: If this keeps your partner from the money conversation you’re going to need to take things slow. Get to know your partner’s money story and what specific aspects of talking about and/or managing money make them anxious. Depending on where their anxiety lies, it’s likely they may be open to being involved in conversations about your financial values and goals, just not the day-to-day management of the money. You can hear more about what I’ve learned from my husband, who used to be more financially anxious, in this post.
Financial disengagement: Again, it’s helpful to figure out the cause. Do they find financial management or money conversations boring? Do they think managing finances really doesn’t matter that much? Did they grow up in a household where one person managed the finances and the other one was “free” to be uninvolved? This is a great time to name why their viewpoint, skills, and time make a difference for your joint financial life.
They didn’t know you wanted their involvement: More often than not, this is at least part of the reason. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and see if this might be the case before pursuing the other options.
You want to handle the finances all on your own: Honestly, people who ask me this question aren’t always looking for me to encourage them to get their partner involved. Instead, they want validation that this is an ok path to take. I get it! Early in my marriage I was grateful to have full control of the finances because I had “financial control freak” tendencies. I also really liked the specific system I used for managing finances and didn’t want anyone to mess with it. It took me a while to realize that what I gained from having my partner involved in our joint financial life was more important than having to make a few tweaks to my well-honed system.
What might be gained from having your partner more involved in your financial life? What might be lost? These are ultimately the most important questions. It may be that not having your partner involved (at least for right now) is the best choice. Or you may realize it’s time to involve them in small ways or reset how you divvy up the roles. Be sure to name what your partner brings to the table — their expertise, their values, the strengths of their money personality, a second opinion — as well as what you might have to give up.
Tip: Don’t underestimate what it takes to change your system. In order to bring your partner up to speed you’ll likely have to be incredibly patient and invest extra time explaining things, shifting the process, and having more conversation than you are used to. That’s why I’d suggest starting small in the way you involve your partner and growing their involvement from there. This allows them to dip their toe in the water of your financial life while also giving you room to adjust to having someone else’s perspective present.