Over the summer I’ve been watching the show Grace & Frankie on Netflix. Like many sitcoms (and, let’s be honest, in real life), there’s a lot of conflict centered around money. For instance, in one episode, one of the characters is offered a promotion which will include a large raise and require a move to a new city a few hours away. Instead of taking the time to discuss the possibility with her partner, she says “yes” without consulting him. See any red flags here?
Often when people consider how finances can sabotage a relationship, they think about big mistakes, like financial infidelity or self-centered decisions like the one I just mentioned. Yet, these big mistakes usually don’t come out of thin air. They often start with tiny missteps that build up to larger ones.
This week let’s focus on what I call “financial forget-me-nots.” Making these seemingly small financial moves can lead your relationship towards deeper connection and fulfillment; ignoring them can slowly chip away at your relationship’s foundation.
Get Your Partner’s Perspective: This may seem like a “no brainer” for couples, but are you as diligent about checking in when the decision only impacts you? When you make that effort, the message it sends is that you value your partner’s advice and you want to stay on the same page. Many times these decisions that only seem to impact you (like changing a job or getting promoted) will end up having an impact on your partner as well, so getting their buy-in at the outset is really important.
Tip: While I sincerely hope you and your partner are able to come to an agreement, what do you do if you don’t agree? First, make it clear you’ve listened to your partner’s perspective. Repeat back what you’ve heard and make sure you have it right. Thank your partner for what they shared and let them know you’re going to make a different choice. Address any concerns they have. For instance, if you’re taking a big promotion and will be working longer hours, how will you make sure your relationship is still a priority? While it may feel awkward at the time to not follow your partner’s advice, it’s better to be up front about the decision you will be making than surprise them with it later.
Talk About the Medium-Sized Things: Of course it’s important to talk about big money moves ahead of time — like retirement or buying a home. However, it’s often the moderate-sized money moves — the late-night Amazon purchases, the spontaneous donation to a cause that pulls at your heartstrings, the investment in your solo hobby — that tend to get us in trouble. Some couples set a limit of how much they can spend without having to discuss it with their partner (though be sure you always have enough in your bank account to cover if you both were to do that spending on the same day!). For us, a better system has been to establish separate accounts that allow each of us freedom to spend as we choose.
Tip: If you, like us, tend to run into trouble with expenses from your joint account (like a shopping trip that ends up more costly than expected), we’ve found it helps to talk about the plan in advance, check in again right before the purchase is made, and being clear about the purchase when you get home. If this still doesn’t work, you may decide to create separate accounts so this becomes less of a concern.
Own Your Mistakes Right Away: Forgot to pay a bill? Missed out on meeting the employer match in your 401k? Went over budget on a purchase? Now is the time to let your partner know. Believe me, I know from personal experience how nerve-wracking this is. I also understand the impulse to try and fix it before your partner finds out. Experience has taught me it’s best to come clean, apologize, and tell your partner how you plan to make things right. Aren’t sure how to fix it? This is a great time to get their advice and/or work on a solution together.
Tip: Coming clean early also has other advantages, especially if it’s a bigger financial mistake that may require professional help (like a financial planner, tax preparer, lawyer, or mortgage broker). The sooner you can call in financial support, the better.
Honor Your Partner’s Money Personality: If you and your partner have different money personalities, you may secretly (or not so secretly) feel yours is better than your partner’s. Instead of dismissing their personality, why not find ways to appreciate it? Every money personality comes with its own set of strengths. Consider how your partner’s strengths might be filling in some of the blind spots in your money personality. Be proactive about letting your partner know how much you appreciate this.
Tip: As you are dividing up financial responsibilities, invite your partner to take on roles that best fit their personality. For instance, if your partner is more of a spender, they might take responsibility for buying gifts for friends or family, planning your next vacation, or securing new fall wardrobe items for your kids.
Speak Your Partner’s Love Language: Take some time to identify your and your partner’s love languages — this is how you and your partner prefer to receive love. Once you know your partner’s love language, intentionally show your partner love in this way. Make a goal of doing something through the lens of their love language once a week. Need some ideas? Start here.
Tip: Too often when it comes to birthdays or anniversaries we forget about love languages entirely, opting instead for a physical gift. Have a conversation about what type of gift your partner would prefer. For instance, if their love language is quality time, they might prefer you take a day off of work and plan a fun outing instead of buying them a present.