On this day ten years ago, I was preparing for my first date with an art student I had met online, Tyler. We were headed to a pasta bar located on the University of Minnesota campus known for its delicious food, live music, and funky, artistic flair. I agonized over my outfit. I really liked this guy but wondered if I was really “cool enough” to date an artist. I settled on jeans, a nice shirt, and my sparkly Toms: classy and casual with a little bit of artistic flair — just like the restaurant.
From the moment I met Tyler I knew there was something different about him. He was studying photography and dreamed of owning his own advertising firm someday. He was a lover of music, particularly metal music, and enjoyed being out in nature. I was particularly impressed that he would go winter camping (in northern Minnesota!) and build his own shelters out of pine boughs. He seemed to have a deep understanding of who he was, which set him apart from so many of the other 20-something guys I met on the online dating website.
When I arrived at the restaurant he was already there waiting in the lobby and I recognized him immediately. He looked just like his pictures — which is a real win when you’re online dating. We ended up ordering the same dish: mushroom ravioli. We talked like we were old friends, discussing family, dreams for the future, things we liked to do, our favorite foods, and more. I really enjoyed his company and I thought he enjoyed mine, too.
During the date we talked about visiting the Minneapolis Institute of Art (MIA) together. As we were leaving he gave me a hug outside the restaurant and by the time I had walked the few blocks to my car I already had a text from him saying he had a great time and asking me to go with him to the MIA on Sunday. Second date clinched! From that point on we have been just about inseparable.
So what have I learned over the last 10 years with my husband?
If someone is serious about you, you’ll know. I wasted A LOT of time on guys who didn’t care about me as much as I cared about them. I had it in my mind that my kindness and attention would someday change their mind. Looking back, I can’t believe how much time I wasted. From the beginning, Tyler was forthright about how he felt about me. He said “I love you” after just two weeks together and told me he wanted to marry me six months in. He made his feelings known without ever pushing me to feel the same. He gave me the space to grow into my love for him.
Choose someone who will challenge you, not just tell you what you want to hear. Marrying someone who is consistently honest with me about everything was one of the best decisions I have ever made — even though it can sometimes be a bit annoying. My husband is one of the wisest people I know and he gives exceptional advice. He has helped me work through situations, overcome challenges, and push myself further than I ever thought I could. I’m grateful that he has found ways to encourage me without just telling me what I want to hear.
It’s ok to let go every once in a while. To say I was a bit uptight when my husband and I got together is a bit of an understatement. I was living on a very tight budget with a very regimented and busy student schedule. There wasn’t much time or money left over for fun. He taught me how to relax and rest. He showed me how to spend money on the things that you value without feeling guilty. He has helped me savor and enjoy my life while also pursuing my goals.
Every marriage is different; let’s just live ours. I have certainly played the “comparison game” — only to find out there was way more going on behind closed doors with a couple than I had ever had the chance to see. Now, the only person I’m accountable to for my marriage is my husband. No two people are the same, so I don’t understand why we expect marriages to function the same. Every time I stop focusing outward and start focusing inward on my own marriage I see the most growth and progress.
It’s ok to chart your own path. Many couples our age progress from marriage, to buying a home, to getting a pet, to having children. But after taking a few of these steps, we realized we were enjoying life as a family of two and that life as suburban homeowners just wasn’t for us. I think this desire to “choose our own adventure” for our marriage has been one of the things that has brought us closest together.
How and when you show up matters. A few years in, we agreed that our marriage would come first — before our jobs, hobbies, friendships, or side hustles. Being actively present is one of the best gifts anyone can bring to their marriage. Similarly, taking the time to learn how someone wants to be treated when tensions are running high can help you support your partner in the way that works best for them.
You can fall in love with the same person more than once. I’ve seen this happen in two different ways. First, as we’ve weathered the ups and downs of life together, at times I’ve watched us grow apart a bit only to rediscover the joy of our relationship. Second, as I’ve watched my husband grow and change as an individual, I’ve fallen in love with this new person. Of course there are some things I’ve always loved about him, but there seem to be new qualities I add to the list each year.
You still have to prioritize each other — even when you spend most of your time together in a small space. Leave it to a global pandemic to teach us this lesson. Even though working from home means we spend almost all of our days together, we’ve found it’s even more important for us to have our Wednesday date night, weekend hikes, and monthly money dates. Without these specific times it would be easy to begin to feel disconnected even though we are rarely more than 50 feet apart.
Embrace each other’s interests. I agree with the advice that it’s important to have shared and individual hobbies. We’ve especially found it to be so rich to be able to talk about our individual hobbies together. As a result, I’ve learned a lot about cars, tractors, video games, and photography. And he’s heard a lot about my favorite books, theology, finance, and baking. Caring about my spouse's interests is another way I show my spouse I care about him.
Financial independence matters. When we got married we assumed we needed to be joined at the financial hip, sharing every single dollar. While our finances are still mostly joint, we’ve found that giving each other separate funds to use on our own hobbies (without the other person looking over your shoulder) has a multitude of benefits. It’s given us each some autonomy, allowed us to cultivate our separate interests, and helped us avoid a number of small tiffs.
P.S. Hoping to focus more on your finances this year? Check out these prior posts to help you consider what you want to start, stop, and continue doing in your financial life, set an intention for your new year, or conduct a financial audit.