One of the first financial things I learned in my childhood was that when you receive money it’s important to save at least some of it. I had a piggy bank, a savings account at our local bank, and I remember participating in a program where we stashed away quarters in a little booklet. There was a lot of emphasis on saving money, although I admit it wasn’t always clear what we were supposed to save for.
But what about other financial lessons? That part’s a little fuzzier. While my family instilled the importance of giving (in addition to saving), I don’t have real strong memories about talking about long-range planning, budgeting, or dealing with debt. It’s possible we did talk about and I just don’t remember. The most effective conversations about money we’ve had have taken place within the last few years.
One of my favorite questions to ask people is, “How was money talked about in your house growing up?” Often, people tell me it wasn’t talked about much at all. Their parents or guardians seemed to shelter them from any financial challenges.
If you didn’t talk about money openly growing up, it may seem even more daunting to bring up the topic with your parents as an adult. Not only that, there are generational differences that may also hold us back. Millennials are much more open to talking about money than their baby boomer parents. They are more likely to talk about finances with their siblings, friends, and coworkers.
Still, there are important lessons to learn from these conversations, at any age. You may want to hear how they are preparing for retirement or see if they have any advice on dealing with debt. You may be curious to hear about the best financial move they’ve made and one financial mistake they wish they’d avoided.
Regardless of the topic you have in mind, here are a few ways to get the conversation started -- and keep it flowing.
Understand Your Why: Before you even start the money conversation it’s important to reflect on why you want to have it. My husband and I spent some time this summer working on our estate plans -- writing our wills, naming our financial power of attorney, and completing our health care directives. It brought up a lot of questions for me about what my parents would want should they become incapacitated or after they pass away. My “why” was understanding my parents’ wishes. Spend some time getting clear on what you hope to glean from the conversation.
Tip: Share your why with your parents before you begin. If you don’t, it’s possible they may misconstrue your motives. For instance, it might be easy for a parent to believe that a child asking about estate planning is trying to see what they will be inheriting after the parent dies, when really it’s about respecting the parent’s wishes at the end of their life.
Break the Ice: Barging ahead and asking to talk about money on your timing and your terms isn’t likely to work in your favor. Instead, open up the topic by using your own story (for us, it was how we had just finished our estate plan), a friend’s story, or one from the news. Another great way to enter the conversation is to speak from your situation and ask for their advice.
Tip: Just like talking about money with your spouse, talking about money with your parents should never be a “one and done.” Don’t be surprised if the conversation is stilted and slow at first, especially if finances were a taboo topic when you were growing up. Be patient, and don’t try to cover all the bases at once. It will likely take a few conversations to get where you want to go.
Timing is Everything: Be really sensitive to the context for this conversation. Often, people want to have these talks during big family holidays because all of the siblings will be together. This may not be the best approach, though, since there may be other extended family present, and things can be a bit chaotic (at best) and emotionally fraught (at worst). If you need to have the conversation around a holiday, have it the day before or the day after when things are a bit more relaxed. Won’t see your family in-person for a while? The conversation can still be effective via phone, Zoom, or FaceTime. Sometimes the distance of online communication can add a buffer that lessens the tension, particularly if it’s your first conversation.
Tip: Nobody likes to be caught off guard. If you can, let your parents know in advance what you’d like to talk about, and then let them take the lead on the timing of the conversation, who’s involved, and where it happens. You want to make sure they are as comfortable as possible.
Check Your Attitude: Just like any other intimate money conversation, it’s important that you follow some basic ground rules. Create a shame- and judgement-free zone. Don’t ask for more information than they are willing to share at that moment. Remain calm and respectful. Focus on listening more than you are speaking. This conversation should be more about hearing your parent’s perspective than it is about getting your point across.
Tip: Give yourself and your parent(s) permission to press “pause” if things get uncomfortable or tensions run high.
Have you talked about money with your parents? How did it go? Let me know your experience below!