We’re just a few days away from my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. Like so many of you, our holiday will look a lot different this year. Usually we spend Thanksgiving with my family in St. Louis. Family from far and near descend on my parents’ house to eat delicious food, play games together, explore the city, and catch up on everything that’s happened over the last year. It’s a bit chaotic, but it’s still absolutely wonderful.
This year, my husband and I have decided to stay in Minneapolis due to the pandemic. It was a tough call, though I’m confident it’s the right one for us. Still, it makes me really sad. We haven’t seen our immediate families since early 2020, we haven’t seen my extended family since Thanksgiving last year, and I’m not sure when we’ll all be together again.
There are lots of things to grieve this holiday season, individually and collectively as a nation and as a world. There’s been so much loss, so much loneliness, so much change, so much promise unfulfilled. How do we muster up a spirit of gratitude this Thanksgiving?
First, let’s acknowledge that it’s ok to lament the loss of what we had hoped for this year. It’s ok to mourn the fact that things aren’t the same and we don’t know when (or if) they will be again. We need to make space for our grief and not paint over this holiday with false expressions of hope and happiness. But in the midst of these feelings, I hope we can also find deep gratitude for the things that matter most to us, the things that we often take for granted.
I have so many things to be grateful for this year: my family’s health, the deeper connection I’ve fostered with many friends and family members throughout the pandemic, a place to live that I love, very little impact from COVID-19 on our finances, and so much more. But I think the thing I’m most grateful for (and the thing I’m most likely to take for granted) is my spouse.
For five years I spent a lot of time traveling for work and my side business as a public speaker. While occasionally my husband was able to come with me, most often I was traveling alone or with work colleagues. My husband and I spent a lot of time apart, more than I ever realized at the time. Then last March, everything changed. Suddenly, I not only stopped traveling, but we both started working almost exclusively from home. How it would go with both of us in the same 1400-square foot space, day in and day out? We’re both introverts who need our space and, let’s be honest, we’re both pretty stubbornly independent.
The truth is, after nine months, it’s been wonderful. The pandemic has brought us even closer together. We’ve learned how to give each other space, even in close quarters. After the murder of George Floyd in May, we’ve each taken the time to understand our privilege and take intentional action for racial justice. We’ve grown as individuals, and as a couple. We’ve encouraged each other to reach new goals and to reshape our self-care habits to meet our changing needs. We’ve rediscovered our love of the outdoors and committed ourselves to going on a long hike (or snowshoe, once winter comes) together each weekend. I’ve never loved my spouse more or been more grateful for him than I am today.
The journey hasn’t been perfect. Sometimes we step on each other’s toes, get on each other’s nerves, or just need some space. How can you not when you’re spending so much time together? But I know so clearly that there’s no one I’d rather weather 2020 with than him. Even though I deeply miss seeing my family, I’m so grateful for the additional time we get to spend together and this newfound level of intimacy.
This Thanksgiving isn’t going to look anything like normal. We’re trading a family-sized table for a table for two. We’re trading chaos for a healthy dose of quiet. There will be a lot fewer side dishes, appetizers, and desserts. Instead, at our table grief will share space with a whole lot of love and gratitude. But, if I play my cards right, who knows: Maybe we’ll have a dance party in the kitchen as we do the dishes? That might be the best 2020 can offer us ... and I plan to savor every minute of it.