I hate rocking the boat. If my husband and I are getting along and keeping our heads above water, the last thing I want to do is make waves. And yet, sometimes, that’s what needs to happen to make sure you’re staying on course not only for the short-term but for the long-term.
My husband and I have spent the last nearly four months almost exclusively at home together, and I’m guessing you and your partner have, too. Let’s face it: When you’re always together in a small space, the easiest thing to do is keep the conversation light and focus on the things you both enjoy.
But what if you really need to have THAT conversation? You know, the one you’ve been avoiding — like talking about your partner’s furlough and making a spending plan you can both stick to. Or cancelling your plans for a vacation you were both excited about and using some of that money to build up your emergency fund.
For us, it was establishing our estate plan. Sure, it’s important — but who wants to sit and think about their mortality for a few hours on a Saturday morning? Especially when the news is reminding us of that reality every day.
I’m proud to say that a few weeks ago we finally sat down to talk about it, and now have all of our documents in order. It wasn’t easy, but we did it and we are both so grateful for it. These steps helped us tackle that tough conversation. They can help you get yours started, too — or just get the money conversation flowing again:
Break the Ice: Do not spring a conversation like this on your partner. I can almost guarantee that will not end well. Instead, choose a time when you are both at ease — while you’re walking around the park, cuddling on the couch after watching your favorite show, or doing the dishes — and let your partner know what you’d like to discuss. Bring up the topic in a stress-free and casual way. This isn’t a time for accusations, excuses, or guilt.
Tip: Be clear from the outset you don’t expect to talk about this right now and work together to find a time that would work well for you both.Explain the “Why” Behind the “What:” Let your partner know why you think this topic is important to discuss. Your partner shouldn’t have this conversation as a favor to you. It’s something that benefits you both and your financial life together.
Tip: Take some time to think about how you want to frame this before you dive in. You’ll be more successful if you can explain why this topic might be valuable and important to your partner, not just why it matters to you.Make it About “Us:” The more you can make this a joint endeavor, the more successful it will be. Ask your partner if there’s anything they would like to add to the conversation. Resist any temptation to belittle their topic or discuss just what you had in mind — even if their concern seems contradictory to yours.
Tip: If your partner doesn’t have anything in mind, let them know they can think about it and get back to you. Remember, even if you’ve been wanting to have this conversation for a while, it may not be front of mind for them until now.Set the Mood: This has been the biggest game changer for our money conversations. We learned early on that our conversations were most successful when they were outside of the house, generally on a Saturday morning over brunch. While we aren’t going out for brunch right now, we have enjoyed doing our money dates after brunch at home. It’s about picking the right time and place that will make you both feel most at ease. Make it something to look forward to — pop open that special bottle of wine or order dessert from a nearby bakery.
Tip: If your partner is less comfortable talking about money, let them be the one to set the mood. Going with what makes them feel most comfortable will go a long way toward starting your conversation out on the right foot.Take the Temperature of the Room: When you’re in the conversation, continually keep an eye on your and your partner’s emotions. Finding tensions are beginning to rise? Take a quick break to think and destress. Restart the conversation not by monologuing, but by asking your partner pertinent questions so you can better understand their perspective.
Tip: If tensions are running high, do not just barrel through the conversation. It is unlikely to end in a way that will make either of you feel satisfied. Instead, be grateful for what you did accomplish and find another time to come back later.Remember It’s Not a “One and Done:” Money dates are a great thing to put into practice on a regular basis. Every couple has a different cadence that works for them. For us, it’s once a month. We check in on our budget and our savings goals, and chat about anything that came up over the course of the last month. Instead of springing money conversations on each other, our money dates allow us to intentionally set the mood and discuss everything at one time.
Tip: Wondering what to talk about on your money date? Or, looking for ways to get your financially anxious partner to the table for the money conversation? Join my Date Night Club. Let me be your virtual sherpa guiding you up the money conversation mountain. I’ll help you find the smoothest way that works for you both.
If you haven’t joined Date Night Club before, now is the perfect time to do it! Date Night Club is my recipe to help you take the stress out of money talk — delivered fresh to your email every month. In May I restructured the program to make it even easier to get the conversation started. Here’s how the new program works:
A bite: On the 10th of each month I’ll email you a teaser of this month’s topic, which includes an icebreaker question designed to get the conversation started — whip this out while you’re on a walk or washing the dishes and see how money conversations can be woven into your everyday life.
A snack: On the 16th of each month I’ll email you a 10-15 minute activity designed to help you and your partner dive into money conversation around this month’s topic in an engaging, stress-free way.
A meal: Want to dive even deeper during this date or later on in the month? I’ll include a step-by-step guide to help you apply what you’ve just learned to your financial situation.
Want to see an example? Try out the May 2020 Date Night in my Date Night Club Limited Library for free!
Are you ready to transform your relationship and deepen your intimacy through open and honest money talks? Join my Date Night Club! It’s $9.99/month or $7.99/month if you buy the whole year up front. This week on Facebook and Instagram I’m giving away a FREE Date Night Club subscription (through the end of 2020) to one lucky couple. I’ll be announcing the winner next Wednesday – sign up today. Find out more on my Date Night Club page and sign up today! I can’t wait to have you as a part of the club. This month, I’ll be giving away a few awesome freebies to everyone who signs up – I’ll share more about those in next week’s post.