When my husband and I first got married, I was the family money manager. I knew my husband was a little financially anxious, so out of respect to him I kept our money situation to myself — quietly paying bills, making decisions, and working behind the scenes to keep us in the best possible financial position. I resolved to only get him involved if I absolutely had to — namely, when there was a problem. If things were smooth sailing or we had a nice windfall, I could handle that on my own.
On the occasion that I saw us nearing “red alert” territory I would bring him in. It was usually for times when one of us had spent too much on their credit card that month, when we needed to take money from our emergency fund, or there was a big financial decision at stake. I honestly thought I was doing him a favor, but what I realize now is that I was only feeding his financial anxiety.
You see, if you only bring a financially anxious person in when there’s a problem — and especially if you spring the conversation on them, as I would often do — they will live with a constant low level of worry wondering when another issue is going to crop up. They will also never feel like your family is financially ok or be able to celebrate the goals you achieve because they aren’t let in on that side of the conversation. Most importantly, choosing this approach means you aren’t creating a fulfilling life together. You aren’t creating shared financial dreams and goals; you’re creating your own and hoping the other person is ok with tagging along. While both people may not need to be digging in the weeds of your financial life — keeping an eye on bank accounts, making sure bills are paid, etc. — it’s imperative that both partners are involved in charting the course and setting the milestones.
So, how do you effectively each take an equal seat at the table and keep the focus on goals and values, not the minutiae of money? It comes from asking questions both partners can answer, and then exploring the “why” behind the “what” when you each share responses. A good icebreaker can help ease your way into money conversations that also help you grow closer as a couple.
Here are some of my favorites:
What’s one way you used money in the last year that you feel particularly good about? Why?
What’s your favorite memory about money from your childhood?
If you could trade financial lives with one person, who would it be? Why?
If you could wave a magic wand and change one thing about our financial life, what would it be? Why?
In 10 years, what do you hope our life will look like? Where will we live? What will our family look like? What will you be doing for a living?
If you received $1,000 right now, what would you do with it and why?
What cause are you particularly passionate about? How are you currently investing in that cause? How would you like to invest in it?
When money comes into your life, what’s the first thing you want to do with it: spend it, save it, or give it away?
What’s one thing you’ve learned about money from your partner?
The key to a good icebreaker is making it clear that there are no wrong answers and no trick questions. This is about learning, not judgement. Bring up an icebreaker when you have the time to really talk through the responses — over a relaxing dinner, on a walk, or during a long drive in the car. Listen closely to what your partner is saying. Don’t assume you know the answer; expect to be surprised. Ask “why” and dig deeper. Every time I ask my partner an icebreaker question I learn something new about him. I’m reminded of how far we’ve come in our money conversations as our answers seem to fit together even more over time.
Remember, most couples don’t talk about money because they both like numbers, budgets, or spreadsheets. It’s because they have a vision of a fulfilling life that knits together both of their sets of values. My husband and I believe that keeping our money life on track by setting and reaching goals together is one key way we can make our vision a reality.
Every date in my Date Night Club starts with an icebreaker question. I send out the question six days in advance of the date so you and your partner can meditate on your responses before diving deeper into the topic at hand. This month’s date night — all about making sure you’re prepared for the worst case scenario — begins with this icebreaker: What does financial security look like to you? In other words, what would you need to feel financially secure?
Ready to join Date Night Club? Now is a great time! Join by July 14 and you’ll receive one free month, free access to my virtual Love & Money Brunch (Date TBD), and immediate access to my favorite date night activity, “Money Mad Libs.” You’ll also get immediate access to my full library of money dates so you can kick off your money dates whenever you want. I look forward to having you in the club.