When should you start talking about money in a relationship? I believe: early and often, especially once you get more serious about forming a partnership with another person — whether that’s after a few dates or a few years of dating. Now, I don’t just mean whipping out your budget and talking about the numbers in detail. While I hope that will happen as your financial transparency grows, it can be just as helpful to start by talking about the softer side of money, and moving into talking about the numbers from there.
Think that’s easier said than done? It might help to have a sense of what to talk about, when to have the conversation, and how to get things started. Even if you’ve been a couple for a long time, these topics can help you grow closer.
Here are six critical money conversations I think every couple should have:
Vision of a Fulfilling Life: This conversation is about what kind of life you’re looking for right now as well as how that might expand over time. As you have this conversation, it’s important to listen carefully to what your partner’s vision is, suspend assumptions, and refrain from trying to make your visions match. Once you fully understand each other’s visions, you can enter into the process of seeing how these visions complement and/or challenge one another. It’s ok if they aren’t the same — it’s good to have goals that you each go after separately as well as ones you complete together.
When: Early on in a relationship once you are getting more serious about one another. I’d suggest having this conversation before you get engaged. It’s a great conversation to open up during a long walk or a road trip when you can really dive into the details without worrying about the time.
Icebreaker: What do you hope your life will look like 10 years from now? Describe it in detail: Where will you be living? What will you be doing? What does your family look like? What goals will you have achieved? What will you be working toward?Debt/Credit: Before you connect your financial lives in any way — moving in together, purchasing a home together, sharing bank accounts, co-signing loans, etc. — it’s important that you get to know each other’s credit and debt history. For some, this can be a significant source of money shame, and they might be tempted to hide this until the last possible moment. Don’t. If you have debt, tell your partner the story behind why you have it, and how you have (or haven’t) made a plan to repay it. Sharing the story, not just the number, is a great way to create empathy. Once you’ve shared about your debt, you can decide together whether or not that debt will be solely your responsibility to repay or whether or not your partner may be a part of that process. An easy way to tackle the credit side of the conversation is to each get a copy of your credit report and walk through them together.
When: Before any joint financial transactions take place. It can be before or after you get engaged, though if you have debt, I’d suggest bringing it up sooner. The last thing your partner wants is to feel like there’s been a bait and switch after the engagement.
Icebreaker: What are some things you’d be willing to go into debt for? What are some things you wouldn’t be willing to go into debt for?Yours, Mine, and Ours Money: As you begin to consider marriage or a longer-term partnership, it’s important to think about how you’d like to handle your money. Do you want it to be completely combined together, completely separate, or a hybrid approach with some shared and some separate funds? If you are going to have separate funds, how much will be separate? How will you each contribute to your shared expenses? Will you each contribute a dollar amount or a percentage according to the amount of money you make? You don’t have to be set in stone on your approach, but it’s important to decide together what you’d like to try and then you can make changes from there.
When: During your engagement. If you decide beforehand to get a joint bank account or credit card, it’s good to have the conversation before that point.
Icebreaker: How did your parents/guardians handle money when you were growing up? What did you like/dislike about that approach? Do you know if they took a combined, separate, or hybrid approach?Financial Security: Financial security looks different for every person I meet. For some, that means some padding in their bank account; for others, it’s a fully stocked emergency fund with at least six months of expenses. Some people like to plan ahead by opening a few savings accounts where they can squirrel away money for things like computers or cars that wear out over time so they have money for a new one when they need it. The focus of this conversation should not only be on what system you’d like to build to create that sense of security, but also on how you want to handle unexpected, emergency expenses before and after that system is in place.
When: During your first few years of marriage, if not before. This is a great conversation to bring up after a financial emergency (like a fender-bender, an unexpected hospital bill, or a broken appliance) since it will be fresh in your minds.
Icebreaker: What does financial security look like to you? What would you need to have in place to feel secure?Estate Plan: No matter your age, having a will or trust, living will (which might include a health care power of attorney), and a financial power of attorney is essential. It’s important to not only fill out the legal documents but also have transparent conversations with your spouse about your preferences in terms of organ donation, resuscitation, cremation vs. burial, etc. Filling out these forms online together or going to an attorney together can help make sure you are on the same page about each other’s wishes. Though this conversation may sound like the least enjoyable of the ones on this list, getting these documents finalized will be a gift to you, your partner, and your loved ones.
When: During the first few years of your marriage. Don’t wait until you think you will need these documents, since by then it may be too late. If you can, make it a goal to have the documents legally finalized before your second anniversary, or as soon as children become a part of your family.
Icebreaker: Have you ever inherited (or been gifted) something by a friend or family member after they passed away? If yes, what did you receive and how meaningful was it to you?Retirement: Too often people wait to talk about their vision and plan for retirement until they get into their 50s and 60s. If you wait until then, it can be more challenging to bring that vision to life. Even if retirement feels light-years away, get the conversation started early. Decide on what age you’d like to retire (a ballpark age will do) and begin to dream about what your retirement might look like (where you will live, whether you will continue to work, what will fill your days, what goals you will have achevied). Will funding this dream lifestyle take more income than you make today, less, or about the same? These types of ballpark estimates, even if retirement is a long way off, can help you begin to set goals you can work towards together.
When: If you are planning on a traditional timeline of retiring around ages 65-70, I’d have this conversation in your 30s and begin meeting with a financial planner to solidify your plan in your 40s. However, if you’re looking to retire early (particularly if you’re looking to join the FIRE movement), I’d suggest having the conversation and engaging a financial planner as soon as possible.
Icebreaker: What does retirement mean to you? What might it look like?
Ready to get your money conversations started as a couple? Complete my Money Compatibility Assessment. I’ll let you know your financial strengths and growth areas as individuals and as a couple. Plus, I’ll give you a list of questions, tailored specifically to the two of you, to get your conversations off to a good start.