The other day I felt my financial control freak tendencies kicking in again. My husband and I were out on our very first in-person shopping trip since early 2020. We were having a great time with friends shopping at my husband’s favorite menswear store, Jaxon Grey. (Seriously, if you’re ever in the North Loop neighborhood of Minneapolis, check it out — it’s a good one!) Anyway, as we were enjoying our shopping trip, I noticed the stack of clothes starting to pile up. I could feel my anxiety creeping in — yes, this was our first shopping trip in over a year, but did we really need to spend this much? What would the spending from this small shopping trip put into jeopardy?
When we got home from the trip, I began to reflect back on what had made me so anxious. It wasn’t the purchases — we had made some really smart decisions. It was the fact that we had never talked about our budget for the trip. We didn’t go in with a plan that we had both agreed to.
I’m guessing you’ve experienced the same push and pull in your relationship, particularly if you have different money personalities. So, how do you create a spending plan that works for you both? Here are some steps to help you get your plan started:
Start with the necessary expenses: Are you both aware of (and in agreement about) what these are for you? Think rent/mortgage, car payments, phone bill, internet, any debt payments, utilities, insurance, groceries. Make a list, including amounts if you can. Keep in mind, some of these bills can vary from month to month, or there may be payments that go through just once or twice a year.
Tip: If you haven’t already, this is also a great time to have a conversation about income. It’s challenging to plan your spending if you don’t know what each of you is bringing to the table. Sometimes issues with creating a spending plan can arise because of income inequality in a relationship. (In other words, when one person makes significantly more — or has significantly more financial assets — than the other.) If that’s the case, this blog post might help you sort out some of what is going on.
Prioritize your joint financial goals: Once you’ve got your income and necessary expenses in place, identify some of your joint financial goals like emergency savings, retirement savings, and travel. Note that you might be working on these goals separately (like having different employer retirement accounts). Add these savings goals into your spending plan.
Tip: You may be tempted to run right past this step and focus on discretionary expenses since likely that’s where the differences in your spending goals lie. Don’t miss this! Often the differences in discretionary spending come from not being on the same page about joint goals. If you can agree to these goals together, now, it will be easier to hold each other accountable to them later.
Add in discretionary expenses and individual financial goals: Start with the discretionary expenses you both agree on before you move to the expenses that are a little more contentious. You may realize that you have different money priorities when it comes to discretionary funds. If you find that’s the case, you might consider having separate funds set up just for these categories. This gives each of you a little autonomy while also ensuring you stay within budget.
Tip: If you need more than just a few separate funds, this may be a sign that you need to take a different approach. Instead of starting from a position of joint finances, you may find it’s better to have mostly separate finances with just a few joint expenses. Considering this approach? Follow the suggestions in this blog post.
Make it a routine: Once you agree on a spending plan, it’s important to create a system that keeps you both up to date going forward. First, make sure you both have a way to monitor your financial situation. If you mainly use just one account for all expenses that’s pretty simple. If not, you may want to use a spreadsheet or a budget tracker like Mint to help you keep track of all of your accounts. Second, when possible, talk about any big upcoming purchases in advance. If you can, save up for them by setting up a sinking fund. If that isn’t possible, talk together to determine how you’ll both adapt your finances to pay for it.
Tip: One of the best ways to stay on the same path financially is to set aside some time to get on the same page each month. That’s where monthly money dates can be so helpful. Not sure what to do on your money dates? Sign up to get a few free money date templates from me!