During the pandemic I’ve revisited many of my favorite romantic comedy movies. It seems a recurring theme in 90s rom-coms was a modern Cinderella story: Two people who come from two different economic worlds find each other and live happily ever after. While I always enjoy seeing the way that love crosses chasms, I’m also aware that income disparities between partners can lead to deep rifts in a relationship. In fact, it's often noted as one of the contributing factors in divorce. To be clear, income disparity alone doesn’t cause divorce or break-ups, but when it leads to a power imbalance, problems can arise.
So what can real-life couples do about income inequality so it doesn’t become an issue? This week I’ll discuss how it might show up in a relationship, and next week I’ll explore strategies to address it.
Income (or wealth) disparities come in many forms, such as:
One partner earns more money than the other, though the amount of the difference isn’t as important as how the difference is perceived
One partner earns most or all of the family income while the other partner cares for children and/or elderly relatives and either brings in no additional income, or a smaller amount through part-time or side hustle ventures
One partner earns the majority of the family’s income while the other is unable to work, for the short- or long-term, due to a disability
One partner becomes the sole earner for the family when the other partner loses their job
Both partners make about the same income but one partner brings significant invested/inherited wealth into the relationship
Both partners make about the same income but one partner brings significant debt into the relationship
Now, I’m sure we all know very happy couples who have income/wealth inequality present in their relationship. As with most differences, it’s how partners communicate openly and work together to make the relationship succeed. However, if this inequality goes unchecked or unexamined it has the potential to deeply impact your long-term happiness:
A higher earning/wealth partner may feel:
Entitled to more power in the relationship
Entitled to do less work in other areas of their shared life
Shame about their wealth/income/financial habits and a need to hide them from their partner
A need to exert more control over the household’s finances
Pressure to continue earning at a high-level (or growing their wealth) to maintain the family’s financial status
Guilt because of their higher income/wealth
A need to keep their finances separate
Resentful of or lose respect for the partner who earns less
A lower earning/wealth partner may feel:
Jealous of their partner’s income or wealth
Their contribution to the relationship is inadequate
Less entitled to power in the relationship so they acquiesce to the higher earning/wealth partner
Guilt because of their lower income/wealth
A loss of independence or self-worth
The need to overcompensate for less wealth/income by taking on more in other areas of their shared life
Shame about their wealth/income/financial habits and a need to hide them from their partner
Like they are a burden on their partner
Resentment because they are not happy with their own salary
For heterosexual couples:
A higher earning/wealth female partner may feel resentful of a lower earning/wealth male partner because they are not playing the “provider role”
A lower earning/wealth male partner may feel ashamed of having a higher earning/wealth female partner because they are not playing the “provider role”
If income inequality is present in your relationship and you can relate to some of these feelings or experiences, you are certainly not alone. Keep in mind: family history, cultural influences, and societal expectations can contribute to these feelings as well. Denying or ignoring these impacts — even if they are only showing up in a small way — might lead to significant problems down the road. Next week, I’ll show you how to address these feelings as they arise and how to prevent income inequality from creating a relationship rift.