As a follow-up to last week’s post on how income inequality can impact your relationship, here’s a refreshed version of one of my most popular blog posts. If you haven’t already read last week’s post, I encourage you to go back and take a look before diving into this week’s article.
When my husband and I first met, I was a graduate student working about 15 hours/week and living as frugally as I could. He was an art student who also worked full-time at the front desk of a hotel. I kid you not, I thought my husband was rich. He lived in a 1-bedroom apartment — by himself, with laundry in unit! He even had cable TV. Seriously, what more could you want? Then, about five months into our relationship, my husband left his job at the hotel, and I got my first full-time job with a full-time paycheck. Suddenly the financial roles in our relationship shifted. And navigating those changes wasn’t always easy.
Did you know income inequality in a marriage can be one of the major causes of divorce? Income inequality can come from lots of places: one partner with a clear ‘primary breadwinner’ salary; one partner staying home with kids, a disability, or job loss; even one partner having significantly more debt than the other. There are already so many emotions and expectations that come with money. Throw in an imbalance and it can be pretty dangerous if you’re not honest and intentional about addressing it together. If you have income inequality — large or small — in your relationship, these steps can guide a conversation that will get you on the same page:
Acknowledge the Cause of the Differential: Does the income inequality come from an intentional choice, like staying home to care for family or pursuing higher education? Or, is it an unintentional consequence of a disability, the gender wage gap, or work in an underpaid industry? Does one partner have a lot of debt or other additional expenses weighing them down? Or, on the upside, does one partner bring more money to the relationship from an inheritance, significant savings, or a side business?
Tip: This can be a tough conversation. Don’t skip this step — it will help you build up empathy for one another. Alleviate some of the tension by setting the mood: take a walk in a local park, enjoy a glass of wine on the couch, or sit on the porch with your favorite picnic dinner.
Admit Your Feelings: Be brave! This is the time to be honest about the feelings this income disparity creates. You might feel grateful, inferior, apathetic, guilty, anxious, resentful, or nothing at all — it’s all valid. Not quite sure how to put it into words? The impacts listed in last week’s post are a great place to start. As you share, refrain from judging yourself or your partner. Instead, listen closely. If things get tense, take a breath and repeat back what you’ve heard to make sure you understand. Likely, if it’s causing tension for you, it’s causing tension for your partner, too. If things are really heating up, you may decide to take a breather and come back to this conversation at a later time. Before you move on, decide on a time a few hours or even a few days from now to revisit the conversation.
Tip: Tread lightly here. It’s important to get all of the feelings out into the open without judgment. If you dismiss your partner’s perspective, they are more likely to be guarded about how they are really feeling. And it’s possible your partner may even be tempted to hide their financial situation — positive or negative — from you.
Explore Your Roles: Name how your partner contributes to the relationship and invite your partner to do the same for you. Explore both the tangible contributions (like helping around the house or running errands) and the intangible contributions (like a listening ear, patience, or sense of humor). If there are ways you feel you contribute to the relationship that your partner left out, add those into the conversation at the end.
Tip: It’s not uncommon to feel the partner on the lesser end of the income inequality should compensate by taking on a bigger role in the house. But if the inequality is caused by something out of their control and this partner is also working full-time, this can build up resentment over time. Consider dividing up household tasks based on hours worked, not hourly rate.
Choose Your Money Management Approach: It can be dangerous to view your partner’s money as “ours” but your own as “mine” — that’s not fair. Identify what portion is yours, mine, or ours. My husband and I have chosen to deem all money that comes into our life as “ours,” whether it’s a paycheck, an inheritance, or something else entirely. We also see all of our debts as shared. You might decide to have entirely separate finances where you each contribute to the bills equally. Another approach, which I think might be more fitting if there’s significant income inequality, is having separate accounts but contributing proportionally to the bills according to each of your incomes.
Tip: If you choose to have separate accounts, it can get a little tricky when one partner wants to spend money on a shared expense, like a vacation, that the other person doesn’t value or can’t afford. If it is something that’s really important to you, you might consider treating your partner. If you go this route, be sure to have an open conversation with your partner about this approach and why this expenditure matters to you. They may be uncomfortable with you footing the bill.
Name What You Need: Vulnerable conversations are important. How will you address the feelings you shared earlier? What actions need to be taken to create a more sustainable system for you both? Ask your spouse to help hold you accountable.
Tip: It can be helpful to get the emotions of this situation out on the table. But change comes with action, not venting. Make sure you create a solid list of to-dos to make your system work, and set a deadline for getting these items accomplished. Then, put a date on the calendar about one month out to check back in to see how things are working.
Still struggling to come to terms with the income inequality in your relationship? It might be time to talk to a Marriage and Family Therapist or Financial Therapist.