About two years ago, a friend from college and I decided to start writing emails back and forth to keep in touch. We had used this technique after college to help us stay connected after she went off to grad school in Colorado and I moved to the Twin Cities, but even though we were finally living in the same city we still struggled to stay connected. So we committed to regular correspondence — and let go of the feeling of guilt that we could never find enough time to hang out together.
Surprise! What started out as just a way to stay up on the ins and outs of life has become a place where we ask one another for advice on the hard stuff (marriage, big life decisions, passion projects, family dynamics, and more) or give one another a safe space to work out a thought that’s been on our minds for a while. Outside of my marriage, this has become one of the relationships where I can be the most honest about myself, my dreams, and my everyday struggles.
It may sound odd, but these emails have changed my perspective on life. They remind me of how important it is to find those people out there who long to know you and be known deeply. Cultivating those relationships means that during life’s toughest, most joyous, and even mundane moments, none of us has to walk alone.
Today I give thanks for the people — this friend and so many more — who have helped me to be fully and truly myself. It takes incredible vulnerability and trust to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can take a honest look at where you are today, courageously share your deepest convictions on where you’d like to be, and make a plan to fill in that gap. But these types of relationships are incredibly life-giving.
So, what about you? As we prepare for Thanksgiving this week, how will you give thanks for those safe havens in your life with whom you can be most vulnerable? Here are a few ideas to get you started:
· Recognize: Take a moment to step back and consider the people in your life that allow you to be fully yourself. You may be surprised at who comes up for you — it may be someone you see every day, or an old friend you haven’t seen in a while. Challenge yourself to name at least three people.
Tip: This is a great time to take an audit of your relationships. Who are you spending most of your time with? Are they filling your cup, emptying it out, or leaving it right where it is? Not every friendship can be deeply rich and vulnerable — but at some point we all need to connect with people who know and love us deeply.
· Thank: It’s not enough just to recognize who these people are, you need to take the next step to let them know. Tell them how much they mean to you by sending them a hand-written card, shooting them a short text message, or saying something the next time you’re together in person. Don’t put off this step — this can mean more to them than you might ever know.
Tip: Saying “thank you” comes easier to some than it does to others. If this is a growth area for you, keep it simple. One sentence will do the trick: “I’m grateful for you.” An easy way to make anyone’s day.
· Reconnect: Some of the people on your list may be friends or family that you haven’t seen in a while. Take the time to get something on the calendar so you can reconnect. If it’s been a really long time, start with a casual text or Instagram message and see where it leads.
Tip: Don’t delay. I know it can feel awkward to take the first step, but you’ll never be able to reconnect until one of you reaches out. Why not make that person you, and do it today?
· Be Present: Once you have time with this person, don’t let distractions get in the way. Put away your phone, get past the small talk, and ask questions that really matter. Instead of thinking about how you’re going to respond or all of the things you’d like to share, listen and engage them with follow-up questions. Make them feel like they are the only person that matters in that moment.
Tip: Resist the urge to hijack the conversation and make it all about you. Instead honor the relationship by giving this person your full attention. It’s one of the best ways you can say “thank you.”
Next week I’ll give you a sneak peek of an event that I have coming up in 2020. For now, I encourage you to say “thank you” and mean it to the people who allow you to be the best version of yourself. Happy Thanksgiving!
No FB Live or IGTV video this week in honor of Thanksgiving. Enjoy celebrating with your family and friends.