When my husband and I got engaged five years ago, one of my biggest concerns was how we would handle money. When it came to finances we never seemed to be on the same page. He enjoyed spending money and I couldn’t wait to give money away. He liked investing money in more expensive items and hobbies, while I enjoyed living frugally and struggled to spend money on myself. We did have common dreams and goals for our marriage — like buying a house and traveling the world — but I wasn’t sure how we’d ever make these dreams a reality when our approach to money seemed so different. 

You know you have a problem when your husband feels the need to ask your permission every time he wants to make a purchase even if he’s just buying an occasional cup of coffee on the way to work. Don’t worry – it’s not that he’s financially dependent. It’s because I was (and probably still am to some extent) financially controlling. I like to track where each dollar of our income is shared, saved, and spent. I still check our bank account every day even though we have more than enough. After living paycheck to paycheck as a student, I like to be reminded that we are ok. While I never said he should call me when he wants to spend money, I think my behavior implied it.

I get this question a lot and I have to admit that it feels like a trick question. Couples want to know if they should combine their money when they get married, keep it separate, or do a hybrid of both. From my perspective, I don’t think there’s one right way to do it. The most important thing is that you and your partner are on the same page in terms of how you want to handle money. Many engaged people I’ve talked to assume they will be taking one approach – either combining their money or keeping it separate – but they’ve never had a conscientious conversation with their partner about it.

As I mentioned in last week’s post, when my husband and I first got married I was more of the “money” person in our relationship. He was happy to let me just handle the money and I was happy to put my skills into practice. And, if I’m honest, I think I was happy to keep control over at least one area of our relationship. Now, I’d like to share with you a few things that I’ve learned as I’ve relinquished control of our money life and started to listen.

Here are a few valuable lessons that I’ve learned from Mr. Classy Frugalist:

We’ve all heard that money is one of the leading causes of stress in relationships. I’ve seen this stress emerge from talking about money too much, not talking about it at all, and everything in between. So, what can couples do to reduce the stress? I suggest they stop, take a deep breath, and spend time listing to their partner. What are his or her fears? What are his or her goals? What can you learn from him or her?

I’m not saying this is easy. Most of us have different money personalities than our partner – maybe one of you is a spender and one is a saver. In the case of my husband and I, I would really love to give all of our money away and my husband can think of a million ways to spend it. If you have a different money personality than your partner, how do you meet in the middle?