Lately I feel like I’ve been stuck in a season of waiting. My husband and I have been dreaming of putting down roots in the Pacific Northwest since the first time we visited Oregon seven years ago. While we are just months away from making that goal a reality – we hope to buy a house sometime this summer – we are still in transition. In addition to waiting as we search for the right house, I spent the fall waiting to get an appointment with a doctor about a health concern I was dealing with, spent the winter waiting for medical tests, and am now spending the spring waiting to fully recover from surgery.
It’s not uncommon for couples to have an income gap between partners – in fact, it's the norm. According to data from Morning Consult and Insider, nearly three-quarters of Americans reported they had some income imbalance with their partner before they started dating. And while that imbalance can flip-flop as partners change jobs or receive a raise or bonus, at times it can be significant. This might happen when one partner retires, decides to go back to school, or opts to stay at home with the kids. This might also happen when one partner gets a big promotion or receives a large inheritance. How can you manage your finances so this imbalance in income doesn’t throw your relationship off balance? Consider these steps:
I’m a big fan of the Financial Feminist podcast. A few weeks ago the host, Tori Dunlap, shared a money hack that she had heard about from another financial educator on Science Finance: Before making an impulse purchase, ask yourself: “How many ‘taco dollars’ does it cost?” That particular financial educator really loved tacos, so he judged each purchase by asking, “How many tacos could I buy for the cost of that item?” Concert tickets: 20 tacos. Cupcake: 1 taco. Fancy hotel stay: 83 tacos. Then, he would ask himself: “Is it really worth that many tacos?”
My last post on things that can jumpstart your financial life in 5 minutes or less got me thinking about one of the most effective steps I ever took during our marriage: asking my husband an icebreaker question about our life together. That word icebreaker is key: these are questions designed to get conversation going, not shut it down. And that means the question has to be open-ended and asked with a spirit of genuine curiosity of learning what your partner thinks.
Long-time readers of this blog are familiar with the four money personalities I discuss: the giver, the saver, the spender, and the acquirer. Over time, though, I’ve learned that while people tend to understand the first three, they often stumble over the last one. On first blush, people generally thought the “acquirer” referred to someone who liked to accumulate or collect things. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The acquirer was someone focused on how money came into their life, not what was done with the money after it was received.
Should debt repayment always be your number one priority? Some financial wellness experts have made a living by helping people put their debt repayment above just about everything else in their life. But I respectfully disagree with them. I’m not so sure debt repayment should always be your number one priority.
I’ll never forget the spring of 2012 when I graduated seminary, started my first full-time job, and fully realized the extent of my student loan debt all in the span of two weeks. Up until that point, my student loan debt hadn’t seemed like much of a concern since it had been in deferment while I was in graduate school. But, the second I was done, my loans were there waiting for me — all of my debt from college and a small loan from graduate school, totaling about $35,000.
On this day seven years ago, I married my husband. It was an unseasonably warm fall day. We had a beautiful ceremony surrounded by family and friends, served brunch, and danced the afternoon away. I have so many wonderful memories of that day. But one thing I’ll never forget was the feeling that we were crossing a threshold into the next era of our relationship. Even though we had been dating for almost three years and living together for about a year and half, I knew that marriage would feel different. In the words of one of the songs sung at our wedding, we were stepping into the “dark and wonderful unknown” together. I was both extremely excited and a little anxious to start this adventure together.
Over the summer I’ve been watching the show Grace & Frankie on Netflix. Like many sitcoms (and, let’s be honest, in real life), there’s a lot of conflict centered around money. For instance, in one episode, one of the characters is offered a promotion which will include a large raise and require a move to a new city a few hours away. Instead of taking the time to discuss the possibility with her partner, she says “yes” without consulting him. See any red flags here?
For most of my late 20s, the most pressing financial question on my mind was, Should I save for retirement or focus on paying down my student loans? So many of my friends seemed focused on getting their debt paid off — at least once a month I would see a celebratory post on social media by someone who had paid off at least one of their student loans. My own loans weighed heavy on my shoulders and I couldn’t wait to shake them off. But as someone working in the retirement planning industry, I knew all too well the value of investing early in your career. It seemed like a financial tug of war I just couldn’t win.
The other day I felt my financial control freak tendencies kicking in again. My husband and I were out on our very first in-person shopping trip since early 2020. We were having a great time with friends shopping at my husband’s favorite menswear store, Jaxon Grey. (Seriously, if you’re ever in the North Loop neighborhood of Minneapolis, check it out — it’s a good one!) Anyway, as we were enjoying our shopping trip, I noticed the stack of clothes starting to pile up. I could feel my anxiety creeping in — yes, this was our first shopping trip in over a year, but did we really need to spend this much? What would the spending from this small shopping trip put into jeopardy?
A few weeks ago I experienced an unexpected medical issue and ended up heading to the Emergency Room. Don’t worry — I’m feeling better now! As my husband and I waited in the hospital for test results, I found myself reflecting on the costs of the tests that had already been run and the tests yet to come. I remarked to my husband, “I can’t wait to see the bill for this visit!” And he looked at me and said, “It doesn’t matter. You come first! We have great health insurance and money built up in savings just for this purpose. We are prepared for moments like this.”
I’ve always been pretty careful about the way that I use my money — even when I was a kid. During my first few years of independent adulthood, I was living on such a tight budget that I had to know where each dollar was going or I would risk overdrafting my bank account. Now, don’t get me wrong: There’s a lot to be said about being meticulous with your money ... but as with anything in life, it can be taken too far.
An unexpected tax or medical bill, a pay cut, losing a job … these are the kinds of financial setbacks that can strike fear into anyone’s heart. Usually the first response in these situations is panic. That’s normal. But remember: if you’ve been working to build a strong financial foundation, these are the exact moments you’ve prepared the foundation for! Once the initial panic has worn off, take these steps to begin to right the ship:
It took me a long time to loosen up and really be able to have fun with my money. Part of this is because money was really tight for me in college, graduate school, and even the first few years of my career. I had to put thought into every single purchase. Any spontaneous “fun” purchase might mean that I wasn’t able to fulfill another financial obligation. When you’ve lived in this mode for a few years it’s hard to change your mindset even when you’re more financially stable.
Between Juneteenth and July 4th, I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom, specifically financial freedom. At this point in my life, I feel more financially free than I ever have before. My partner and I can easily pay our bills, meet our needs, and treat ourselves once in a while without worrying about busting our budget. Recently, we hit the milestone of 4 months worth of savings in our emergency fund. My student loan debt is paid off and we’re chugging away on my partner’s debt. We may not be completely free, but we’re getting there … and that’s exciting.
An employer retirement plan has to be one of the most under-rated employer benefits. It’s so often neglected and/or taken for granted. I’ll be the first to admit I treated it that way for the first two years of my career. It wasn’t until I got my second job working for a very small consulting company where I had to negotiate my own retirement package and employer match that I really began to see the importance of this benefit.
One of my favorite ways to be generous with my partner pre-COVID was to pick up his favorite treat on my walk home from work. I loved seeing the smile flash across his face, particularly after he’d had a tough day. The last fifteen months in quarantine, though, I pretty much stopped doing this. Between the heightened anxiety, our early fear that COVID might spread through surface contact, and the general exhaustion the news cycle produced, these once normal “extras” seemed to fade away. At a time when we each needed a more generous partner, it often was all we could do to just get through the day.
One of the first things that struck me about my partner was his generosity. It started on our second date when he brought three cupcakes to my apartment — one for me, one for him, and one for my roommate. I mean seriously, who considers getting in with the roommate that early on? Throughout our relationship, my husband has been very generous with his money, his time, and his attention. In our marriage, I have seen it through his willingness to support my ambitious dreams even if that means spending nights alone, picking up the slack around the house, investing some of our shared income, or being the instigator in our social relationships.
This is a story I’ve been longing to tell on the blog for over a year: How I landed my dream job. Why wait so long? Well, in April 2020, as some people were being furloughed, others being laid off, and others having their salaries and hours reduced, it felt like an entirely inappropriate time to talk about my good fortune. But now that we’re beginning to see some light beckoning us through this endless dark tunnel, I’d like to share my joy with you.
I can still remember the excitement I felt when I got the offer for my first “real” job. It was like I had won the lottery! Suddenly instead of being a 15-hour-a-week student worker making $10/hour, I was going to have full-time work with a full-time salary plus benefits. I was going to be rich — at least compared to what I had experienced for the last two years as I was getting my masters — and I couldn’t wait to get started.
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to be a guest on a podcast. During our conversation, the host and I talked about the times in our life when we had the least amount of money, and how even in those tough times we found small ways to spend our money to bring us joy. For him, it was when he was a newlywed and just starting out in ministry. Once a week he and his wife would go to a nearby pizza place and order one personal pan pizza to split. Yes, one — it was all they could afford. But that weekly baby pizza gave them something to look forward to, and he said those dates are some of their happiest memories.
When I speak about money and relationships, I’ve noticed most of the questions I receive from people are about their partner, not themselves. While the questions are generally politely cloaked, it’s clear behind almost all of them is the sentiment, “My partner is the problem. If we can just fix them, our finances will be back on track.”
When I used to lead retirement seminars, I was surprised by how often a couple nearing retirement would tell me that they had a child in high school and they wanted to work toward saving for that child’s education. They would ask me: “Should we wait to focus on retirement savings until our child’s education is funded?” My answer was always, “It depends — let’s take a closer look at your situation.” Most often, after taking a look at the numbers, the answer was a resounding “no.” As the adage says, “Your child can borrow for their education, but you can’t borrow to pay for your retirement.”
When I was in graduate school living on a tight budget, I would often wistfully watch my friends purchasing organic produce, fair trade chocolate, and sustainably made clothing. I’d think to myself, “If only I had more money, I could make eco-friendly choices without breaking the bank.” At that time — over a decade ago — it seemed that choices that were good for the planet also ended up costing more, and I just didn’t have cash to spare at that time.
