Lately I feel like I’ve been stuck in a season of waiting. My husband and I have been dreaming of putting down roots in the Pacific Northwest since the first time we visited Oregon seven years ago. While we are just months away from making that goal a reality – we hope to buy a house sometime this summer – we are still in transition. In addition to waiting as we search for the right house, I spent the fall waiting to get an appointment with a doctor about a health concern I was dealing with, spent the winter waiting for medical tests, and am now spending the spring waiting to fully recover from surgery.
It’s not uncommon for couples to have an income gap between partners – in fact, it's the norm. According to data from Morning Consult and Insider, nearly three-quarters of Americans reported they had some income imbalance with their partner before they started dating. And while that imbalance can flip-flop as partners change jobs or receive a raise or bonus, at times it can be significant. This might happen when one partner retires, decides to go back to school, or opts to stay at home with the kids. This might also happen when one partner gets a big promotion or receives a large inheritance. How can you manage your finances so this imbalance in income doesn’t throw your relationship off balance? Consider these steps:
I’m a big fan of the Financial Feminist podcast. A few weeks ago the host, Tori Dunlap, shared a money hack that she had heard about from another financial educator on Science Finance: Before making an impulse purchase, ask yourself: “How many ‘taco dollars’ does it cost?” That particular financial educator really loved tacos, so he judged each purchase by asking, “How many tacos could I buy for the cost of that item?” Concert tickets: 20 tacos. Cupcake: 1 taco. Fancy hotel stay: 83 tacos. Then, he would ask himself: “Is it really worth that many tacos?”
My last post on things that can jumpstart your financial life in 5 minutes or less got me thinking about one of the most effective steps I ever took during our marriage: asking my husband an icebreaker question about our life together. That word icebreaker is key: these are questions designed to get conversation going, not shut it down. And that means the question has to be open-ended and asked with a spirit of genuine curiosity of learning what your partner thinks.
Long-time readers of this blog are familiar with the four money personalities I discuss: the giver, the saver, the spender, and the acquirer. Over time, though, I’ve learned that while people tend to understand the first three, they often stumble over the last one. On first blush, people generally thought the “acquirer” referred to someone who liked to accumulate or collect things. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The acquirer was someone focused on how money came into their life, not what was done with the money after it was received.
My husband and I agree: One of our favorite trips ever was to Iceland. We were attracted to the mysterious and awe-inspiring landscape as well as the relatively short (and moderately priced) overseas flight. We went into the trip with fairly low expectations and left entirely smitten: The bubbling hot springs, friendly puffins, jaw-dropping waterfalls, welcoming people, and otherworldly landscape captured our hearts. We couldn’t wait to go back, and had plans set for … September 2020.
When my husband and I first met, I was a graduate student working about 15 hours/week and living as frugally as I could. He was an art student who also worked full-time at the front desk of a hotel. I kid you not, I thought my husband was rich. He lived in a 1-bedroom apartment — by himself, with laundry in unit! He even had cable TV. Seriously, what more could you want? Then, about five months into our relationship, my husband left his job at the hotel, and I got my first full-time job with a full-time paycheck. Suddenly the financial roles in our relationship shifted. And navigating those changes wasn’t always easy.
During the pandemic I’ve revisited many of my favorite romantic comedy movies. It seems a recurring theme in 90s rom-coms was a modern Cinderella story: Two people who come from two different economic worlds find each other and live happily ever after. While I always enjoy seeing the way that love crosses chasms, I’m also aware that income disparities between partners can lead to deep rifts in a relationship. In fact, it's often noted as one of the contributing factors in divorce. To be clear, income disparity alone doesn’t cause divorce or break-ups, but when it leads to a power imbalance, problems can arise.
You may have heard that the pandemic gave many Americans the opportunity to save more and pay down debt. While that may be true for many, it wasn’t the case for everyone. According to a September 2021 Bankrate survey, more than half of U.S. adults (54%) carry a balance on their credit cards, and 42% of consumers with credit card debt have added to the amount they owe since the pandemic began.
I married someone who is an exceptionally good gift giver. Every year I’m astonished not only by his creativity but by the way he remembers someone’s off-handed mention of something they had wanted months before. It shouldn’t be surprising that he’s so good at gift-giving, since his mom is the very best gift giver I’ve ever met. She spends all year putting together large and small gifts for each person for Christmas. She not only gets you things you want but things you never even thought to ask for.
Student loan debt has been the monkey on my (and my husband’s) back for a long time. We’re finally getting hopeful that we can shake it off. Besides the great strides we’ve made in repaying these loans, we’ve also learned about a possible loan forgiveness program that could be a game-changer for us. For the past few weeks we’ve been working on his application, and we’re keeping our fingers crossed for a good result.
A few years ago at a financial wellness event a participant asked me: “Is there a rule of thumb for how much I should spend on things like clothing or food?” I’ve always thought of personal finances as more personal than financial, and how much to spend in specific categories certainly seems like a personal decision. Still, it can be helpful to see how others pattern their spending plan as you begin to craft your own.
We’ve all seen statistics about “The Great Resignation:” A record number of people are quitting their jobs, and even more are considering it due to fears of contracting COVID-19, poor working conditions, reluctance to return to in-person work, a need to stay home to take care of dependents, burnout, general discontent, and more. If you or your partner are considering quitting your job, here are a few things to keep in mind as you make your decision:
Growing up, two things about Martin Luther King, Jr., Day stick out in my mind. First, we got the day off from school — who doesn’t want a three day weekend so soon after Christmas break? Second, we read his infamous “I Have a Dream” speech and talked about his skill as a visionary and orator. We celebrated the progress we have made toward his vision and then we moved on to other subjects.
On this day ten years ago, I was preparing for my first date with an art student I had met online, Tyler. We were headed to a pasta bar located on the University of Minnesota campus known for its delicious food, live music, and funky, artistic flair. I agonized over my outfit. I really liked this guy but wondered if I was really “cool enough” to date an artist. I settled on jeans, a nice shirt, and my sparkly Toms: classy and casual with a little bit of artistic flair — just like the restaurant.
Currently we are in the Christian church’s season of Advent: a season of waiting, hoping, holding space. As I’ve been reflecting on the coming of Christmas this year, one thing in particular has stood out to me: the juxtaposition of how small and yet momentous the occasion of Christmas really is. At face value, the story of a young, unwed, pregnant mother giving birth in a stable is a story that merits no notice. Without the shepherds, angels, or wise men, I’m not sure anyone would have paid much attention — and yet this moment, this birth, changes everything. Because we know all that is to come, we forget how blessedly ordinary the occasion was.
I’m guessing I’m not the only one who gets awkward personal questions at holiday gatherings. Maybe you have an uncle who enjoys asking you how much money you make, a sibling who is constantly judging your spending choices, or a friend who can’t figure out why you haven’t invested in crypto yet. So what can you say to these nosy friends and family members? Here are some of my answers, and tips to help you craft your own responses:
A few months back I heard a story of someone who went to a financial counselor for advice on repaying her student loan debt. The counselor offered a litany of traditional ideas for reducing your budget: eat out less, cut back on entertainment, downsize your housing costs, eliminate your gym membership. This person was particularly caught off guard by that last idea. She often went swimming at her gym not only for fitness, but to decompress after a stressful day at work. For her, the gym membership was an important way that she cared for herself. It was worth so much more to her than the price she paid each month. In her debt repayment journey, that’s one thing she just wouldn’t cut.
It’s official: The holiday season is finally upon us! While we are still certainly in the midst of a pandemic, for many of us, the holidays are likely to be a little less lonely this year. We may attend a small party, gather with family or friends, and (if nothing else) bring much more skill and creativity to our virtual celebrations. But one thing hasn’t changed: it’s likely to be a season more focused on spending than saving. I encourage you to put on your favorite holiday tunes, snuggle up by the fire (or get one started via YouTube), and take a little time to put together a spending plan that works for you both. Ask yourselves these questions:
It’s been a tough season for me. In the past, I’ve been reluctant to admit this publicly unless I had lost a loved one or experienced a family emergency, but I’m beginning to realize that daily life — especially in the midst of a pandemic — is its own kind of toughness. I’m generally an optimistic and highly motivated person, but this fall has brought me a busier-than-ever work schedule, a bumpy transition into hybrid work, new challenges in just about every area of my life, and the lingering grief, exhaustion, and fear that comes from living life in a pandemic. While I have no doubt I’ll be grateful for everything I’ve learned during this season, trying to be present in the moment, adapting to new circumstances, and establishing new boundaries has taken its toll on me. Maybe you’ve felt this way, too.
Have you ever wished you could get inside another couple’s relationship? I certainly have! We all know the pictures we see on Instagram and interactions we observe at dinner parties just scratch the surface of how a couple functions together. For most of us, the only couples we’ve really seen up close are from our family of origin: parents/guardians, aunts/uncles, maybe grandparents — which is why we often end up slipping into those same patterns.
“Can you tell me if I’m on track for retirement?”
This was the most common financial question I received when I used to lead retirement seminars for people ages 50+. In fact, I still hear this question all the time — particularly from people in their 20s and 30s. Here’s the truth: Retirement is more personal than it is financial, and the amount you need is personal as well. That’s why it’s best to make preparing for retirement a life-long process.
In high school, one of my favorite places to hang out on the weekend with friends was the mall. Now, shopping has never been my favorite activity, but the mall had an abundance of restaurants we could afford, and an abundance of other teenagers. I always came home with something small — usually something I purchased from one of the clearance racks. As long as the shirt was only $5, it didn’t matter if I only wore it a few times, right?
Is there anything more elusive in personal finance than your credit score? Well ... maybe taxes or the stock market have it beat, but credit scores can appear to be very mysterious. Who decides the score? What contributes to it? How can you improve it? And, most mysterious of all, why a scale of 850 rather than an even 1,000?
